The End Approaches

As the year draws to a close, two things are certain to happen in my life. First, I will definitely have the mad and uncontrollable urge to clean my house, even the dark and secret rooms to which the doors are never opened when others are present. Second, I will begin to review the year past and go over it with the proverbial and cliched finetoothed comb to see how my life has changed for better and for worse in the year coming to an end. I suppose that both processes are actually two different expressions of the same need to set all things in order, as it were, before one things ends and a new thing begins.

New Year's Day is an arbitrary, manmade date on a calendar. It doesn't even line up with anything astronomically significant as once it did. That's why the power it has to make a person, well me anyway, stop and take stock of things never ceases to surprise me. Sitting up late and watching the old year die and the new year be born, even though I know it's sort of a created thing is moving. Every year, I say that I will simply go to bed early (tired out from all the manic housework, you see) and just let the old year go in peace, but year after year, I find myself staring at the clock at 11:59 with everybody else in this part of the world waiting for 200_ to dissolve into 200_.

I don't go out and party on New Years. I never have been a big partygoer. (Those of you who know me are shocked beyond all knowledge, I know.) I've often thought that the purpose of New Year's parties might be to help people not reflect so much, but rather to focus on the fact that regardless of what happened, it's over, everybody present survived in some form or another, and life marches on. Despite the fact that I'm not really a big fan of drunken revelry and the inevitable regretfest that follows it, (I mean, be an idiot if you want to, but live to remember it, and how much fun is it really if you have to pray nobody took any pictures of it?) there is something to be said in joining together with your friends in celebration of having made it through another long year and in defiance of whatever might be hurled at you by the Fates in the year to come.

I suppose however we choose to meet the New Year, in solitary reflection or group defiance and celebration, the point is that we are here to meet it at all. That's something to be grateful for. No matter what scars we may have earned in the year past, we survived. May we be stronger and wiser for it in the year to come.

Good Quote

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.
Saint Thomas Aquinas

Dell Yeah

Okay, so it's well known that I'm not Dell's biggest fan, but I had to do something. My school-sponsored Gateway laptop has become capricious at best and downright irritating-bordering-on-suicidal at worst, so I needed a machine that was both mine and capable. I was planning on getting one myself, but my parents decided that they would get me something "big" this year for Christmas, and, voila, I have a new Dell. I won't get into all the gruesome specs other than to say it runs Vista and it's a dual-core machine which makes it so much faster than anything else I've used before that it's usually sitting and tapping its fingers waiting for me rather than the other way round. That's a nice change.

I did get a 19" monitor to go with it, and the sheer joy of having a screen that I don't have to peer down into my lap to look at is amazing. When I was working on our church bulletin a little while ago, the page actually was big enough to see. Wow.

My only big computing ambition now that I finally found the "hidden" application data folder so I could move my address book from one machine to the other is to purchase Civ IV so I can come home, feed my cats/dogs, and disappear into my office for the evening. I have noble goals, I think, sure to help me get lots and lots of productive work done around the house and for school.....

Sick for the Holidays

I don't know what it is but it stinks. I have a headache, a fever, and I'm nauseous beyond belief. I have been mostly debilitated for the past two days, but I spent the whole day today in bed. I hope tomorrow is better. I don't want the rest of my holiday to be spent having to recover from some mystery illness.

Christmas Dinner

It's the end of Christmas day, and it's been a good one here in Podunk. I got up fairly early and finished up some housecleaning in preparation for having my family over for Christmas dinner. This is the first time that I've done the whole Christmas dinner thing myself, so I wanted everything to be just so.

I've done a potluck Thanksgiving for my friends, and I usually do a brunch for my family on Christmas, but for too long now, my family hasn't had a big meal for Christmas or Thanksgiving. We always seem to have some major crisis, personal or physical, come up right at Thanksgiving or Christmas, and the whole holiday gets sort of preempted. The holidays just seem to get lost in the shuffle, and I miss them terribly.

Despite my best intentions to the contrary, it happened at Thanksgiving this year. I had a big family meal planned, and I had sworn that come heck or high water, we were going to have the full-on turkey dinner at my house. I had even gone so far as to buy a very lovely tablecloth for the occasion, but then my mom got sick, and the whole thing just sort of fell apart. We had a small meal, but nobody felt much like going to the effort involved to do a big dinner.

About a week after Thanksgiving, though, Dad got a ten-pound turkey, already seasoned and cooked, from work as a part of his Christmas bonus this year, and that was the centerpiece of the meal. This time, the hard part was already done, and I knew that I could do the rest if that killer part of it was already done for me.

I dealt with the remaining preparations for the turkey and about half of what was left of the rest of the meal and my mom brought the other half. I used the beautiful red linen tablecloth I got on sale a few years ago and have never had an occasion to use and put one of my favorite 1940's luncheonette cloths over it, one with Shiny Brites and holly on it. I used my good white Southern Living dishes and pulled out candles, too. It was no Martha Stewart production, but I was proud enough of it to have taken a picture of it.


We all sat down and had a meal at the table, not in front of the TV, not sitting on the couch, and it was wonderful. We should do it more often. Although there were far fewer of us than there were when this was my Granny's house, it reminded me of those Christmas dinners we had then. I think this house has missed being a place where people come for those together times. I know I have missed those times being held here. It's so hard to make those times happen with schedules being what they are, but as I was smoothing my hands over the tablecloths, laying them out and enjoying their colorful patterns, I kept thinking to myself, "Why isn't this a priority, too? Isn't this time just as important, just as vital as the other things that I do?"

The best gift I got today wasn't in a box or an envelope, although I am grateful for those things, too. The best gift I got was having my family with me around my table spending time together. Even after everyone was gone and I was washing up in the kitchen, I still felt the glow of it like a candle flame. What a beautiful thing to have been given for Christmas.

Drafted

So last night when I showed up to warm up for evening services, our music director and an assortment of others were playing various stringed instruments in preparation for special music. I suddenly found myself drafted to be the vocal segment. Our choir director is stealthy and subtle that way. All of a sudden, one just sort of finds one's self in front of the congregation holding a microphone a little uncertain of how one got there.

I actually like to sing. I sing all the time in my car, in my house, in my classroom when all the students are gone at the end of the day. I sing going to work and while I'm cleaning the house. It's a different thing, though, to stand up in front of the whole church, even though it's composed of people I have known all my life, and sing. I get so nervous.

These songs were some of my favorites, though, and that helped. I sang "What Child Is This?" and "Silent Night", my two favorite Christmas songs, and we also did "Joy to the World", too. I don't know about the quality of the music I produced, but the feeling and the sentiment were certainly there. Since the Psalms simply say that God wants us to make a joyful noise, hopefully God was pleased.

Harry Dresden, Wizard

Okay, so I'm about seven years behind on discovering this series, but I did at last find it, and I'm really enjoying it. The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher is one of the most original series of fantasy that I've picked up in a long, long time. I can see echoes of other things in it, as is to be expected, but not unpleasant echoes. It's an original world Butcher has made with appealing characters, and although I'm only four books into the series, I really like what he's done with them so far.

My dad has been raving about this series for a long time now, but I've just had too many other literary obligations to pick up a new series. Also, to be quite frank, most of the new authors I've picked up in the last five years or so have been less than stellar. They've either been wholesale rip-offs of the grandmasters of yore (and dime store copies at that), or so trite and predictable that I could see what was coming before I'd finished the first page. Butcher's work is neither. It's a pleasant cross between a sort of magic-meets-the-real-world fusion and mystery, a mix I find pleasing. I also like the ways in which he develops Harry Dresden, his main character, and the world of magic.

All in all, it's a nice diversion. I'm ripping through the series, and even though I'm pretty far behind, I'm hoping to get through the series during the holidays. I'll finish up book four today, and at the rate of about a book a day or two, I should be through what's been published before I go back to school. I desperately needed a break from Faulkner, Shakespeare, and dystopia. Thank God for Harry Dresden.

Christmas Shopping

Today was a day of finishing up the last bits of Christmas shopping. I spent the better part of the day going from one part of town to the other, but I noticed a difference this year: people weren't frothing at the mouth and trying to kill each other. It was nice. I don't know if this is because it's not yet Christmas Eve or if some miraculous transformation has swept over Podunk, but I really appreciated it. Checkers were personable, people were wishing each other Merry Christmas, shoppers held open doors for one another, people standing in line were courteous and waved each other ahead, and even drivers waiting to pull into moving traffic were allowing other cars out ahead of them. I kept feeling like I was in some sort of Christmas movie instead of the snarling mass of hateful humanity I had left the house expecting this morning, but I am genuinely and truly grateful for that surprise.

Christmas shopping shouldn't be something that turns people into Satan's little helpers, and if it does that to them, then I think they should probably just go home for a little while, or get everything online. To me, going shopping for Christmas gifts is a little stressful because I am always teaching right up until the last minute, but I actually enjoy trying to find things I think the special people in my life will like and use. Of course, there are a couple of them that I can NEVER find anything for, but that's what God made gift certificates for, after all.... I'm sure not everybody today was wearing angel wings, and I'm sure that had I stayed in town on into the late afternoon, or if I were to go back Monday, some of the politesse would have worn away, but for now, all I can say is it was awful nice to see some of the Christmas spirit alive and well even in the institutions of commerce.

More Interstate Angst

So today as I was driving home minding my own business, a guy in a big green Dodge pickup in front of me apparently had forgotten the first and most vital rule of hauling anything in the bed of a truck: tie it down. I was letting my parents know I was on the way home when I had to yell and throw down the cell to swerve.

A queen or king-sized box springs and at least part of the metal bed frame the green Dodge genius had used to try to hold it down with blew out of his back end, spiraled up into the air, crashed into the middle of the two lanes of the west-bound interstate, and caused all manner of swerving and problems. Fortunately, nobody was immediately behind him. I was one of the closest, and I was probably four car lengths behind, so I had plenty of time to evade the flying mattress parts, but it was a scary moment. I wasn't at all sure the thing wasn't going to stay airborne and crash through my windshield for a few minutes, and then when it finally touched down, it sort of went end-over-end, and I wasn't sure where everybody else was going to go.

The metal bits were like shrapnel, and I think one lady might have run over some of it. I couldn't tell what happened. I just swerved left into my part of the median and kept going. There was no place to stop, and it was a good place to get run over by the 60 mph traffic. I hope there were no big accidents after I made it through, but I'm going to be surprised if there weren't. After I cleared it, the box springs were laying in the other lane mostly obstructing it and the five o'clock rush hadn't quite gotten started. The guy in the truck took an off-ramp, so hopefully he was going back to clean up his mess. Maybe next time he puts something in the back of his truck, he'll also tie it down.

Highway Patrol

This afternoon on the way home, I watched the dynamics on the interstate with amusement. The powerful dark gray highway patrol cruiser slid into the flow of traffic just ahead of me, and instantly the 80-something mph traffic became 65-ish mph traffic. The trooper was just sort of gliding along in his own little world as they are prone to do, but behind him, the traffic began to stack up. Vehicles that usually blow me off the road raced past, saw the distinctive shape and color of the trooper's car, and hit their brakes.

It was like an ocean documentary. I felt like there should be a voice-over. "The great white shark cruises majestically, unconcerned with the small fish that dart around it. It waits for larger prey. All those around it, however, are acutely aware of its presence...." It was too funny.

Eventually, the highway patrolman got tired of hanging out with the regular speed limit folk, and he did what I'd love to do: hit the gas on that big engine and took off with no fear of anybody ticketing him. Once he was gone, all the little fish resumed their frantic forward motion. It was interesting to watch while it lasted, though.

Happiness Is....

After a long and particularly satisfying day of time spent doing things I enjoy, I present the following list. It is by no means exhaustive.

Happiness is....

1)waking up snug in a feather bed on a cold winter morning and listening to the wind howling out side...and knowing you don't have to get up unless you want to.

2) spending an afternoon reading in a comfortable chair replete with an quilt and one or more cats.

3) the smell and taste of oranges as you peel them with your hands, a delightful mess. They just don't taste as good daintily quartered by a knife.

4) the sound of snoring dogs on the couch.

5) knowing there are only three days left until Christmas vacation.

6) getting on the scale and watching the numbers continuing to get smaller and smaller every time I do.

7) wandering aimlessly in a bookstore without time constraints and then having a copy of the new Greg Iles novel waiting for an all-night-read-a-thon (thanks again for the tip, AC).

8) being told recently by some students that they felt like they were learning in my classes.

9) eating homemade pizza off my Santa Claus dishes.

10) driving up to my house and seeing it all aglow in Christmas lights.

There are more, but right now, these are the ones to list. God is good.

A General State of Weariness and Confusion

My head is confused, partially because of good old Topamax, partially because of end-of-semester stress, and partially because of a strange situation in which I suddenly find myself. The situation is one of those things I keep telling myself to simply put on the shelf and watch from a distance to see what develops, but I've never been very good at that kind of thing. No patience, you see....

I keep mentally grabbing it up again and again and toying with it in my head, turning it over and over until the corners are wearing off it, but nothing about the situation is really getting resolved. I find myself sitting at my desk when I should be grading papers, and I'm suddenly aware that the situation has thrust vine-like tentacles into every part of my consciousness and that I haven't really processed a word of the paper in front of me for the last paragraph. It's a huge effort of will to beat it back into a corner of my mind and make it stay there for any length of time. About the time I get my mental discipline together, the source of whole problem shakes everything up again by adding some little tidbit to the puzzle, and then off I go, trying to sort all the pieces out again. This may just drive me crazy before I figure it out or before it goes away on its own.

Mercifully, the holidays are a mere three days away, and then I can hide out here at home, see my far-flung friends, and generally recharge batteries that are running dangerously low. Perhaps with some rest and distance the puzzle will actually turn out to be like one of those little word finds from grade school instead of a translation exercise involving Latin, Sanskrit, and hieroglyphics.....

Too Darn Hot

Now I've got the Cole Porter song going around in circles in my head....

It really is. It's mid-December, and today I think we hit 80 degrees. This is insane! I finally gave up a few moments ago and switched the central unit back to a/c. I'm tired of being hot. The summer was bad enough; it's officially winter, and I want some cold winter.

Now, let's not take this as an invitation to the gods of arctic cold to stride in. I'm just tired of wondering if I should wear sandals and crops to work in December. Where's our Christmas-y weather?

The Quote that Sums Up My Life

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
- John A. Wheeler

If this is true, then every day of my life is a banner day.....

Uneven

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux

I'm trying to take comfort in this quote. Lately, I feel like I've been up and down. Today was a perfect example of insane ups and downs. Maybe all Mondays are uneven.

The day started with my eyes flying open at about 4:30 for no readily apparent reason. I guess I shouldn't have taken that long nap yesterday afternoon. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but eventually, I just gave up and got up to start the day.

Once I got to school, I had some copies to run, but when a colleague of mine ran the first copy of the day, the machine lit up like a Christmas tree and jammed in every location. He and I looked at each other in something like shock and spent the next fifteen minutes buried inside the machine searching for the elusive (and in my opinion, imaginary) fragment of paper that the copier kept registering as hiding somewhere deep within the recesses.

I believe the copier was just lying in wait for the first soul unfortunate enough to lay a piece of paper on the glass plate. The overuse has made it into a sentient beast, and now, in our hour of greatest need, it lies, predatory and silent in the early morning hours purring to itself softly, contemplating what mischief it may cause for the one who approaches it first. Other days, I think it plays "eineey-meenie-mineey-moe" to pick its target. On the other hand, I might be tired and paranoid about the machinery....

The day continued to much the same mix of hectic situations broken by moments of frantic grading as I am trying to get everything completed for the end of term. By the time seventh period arrived, I was exhausted, but I felt as though I had accomplished a lot. Maybe with a few more days, some of the unevenness will level out.

Topamax Again

One of the worst things for me to adjust to with the Topamax has been the problem of what it does to me when I try to do "online" processing tasks like reading or sight-reading music. For some reason, if it's not a piece of literature or music that I'm familiar with, I don't seem to process as fast as I used to. There's a delay or lag that never used to be there.

It's much worse with music than with simple reading, perhaps because of the added step of converting the notes to a motion of the hand. Last Sunday night, during one of the hymns we were doing, the notes on the page simply stopped making sense. They were like a Rorschach test, and I literally couldn't recognize a single note on the page. I started shaking, and it only lasted a few measures, but it seemed like an eternity. I finally found a chord that I recognized and was able to get back into it, but I was shaky the rest of the service.

I stumble a lot more with my reading than I used to as well. I hate that because reading aloud is such a big part of my job, too. I just do the best I can with it and go on, but these two things together have really been profoundly difficult for me to deal with. My doctor tells me that they are just natural functions of my brain chemistry adjusting to the medicine, and that some of the symptoms should go away as time progresses.

In truth, some things have gotten better. Many of those early symptoms of weariness have gone away. I only forget words occasionally. The migraines are certainly better. This one big obstacle remains. I just hope it goes away, too. I can't stand the thought of having to stop playing. It's been a part of my life for 25 years now, and to lose that would be profound.

Doodling and Distracted

I have a lot on my mind lately, some good things, some bad, so tonight's special meeting of the class-that-never-ends didn't bode well for my concentration. Although I love the class and I adore the teacher, I loathe the piece of literature we're working on right now, Spencer's tiresome epic The Faerie Queene. I keep praying Redcrosse will just get his sorry act together or that Una will get a spine and a sword.

I spent most of the four-hour block of class doodling and writing instead of listening. I couldn't focus on Una's perilous quest. I certainly didn't care about it. I hope I can get my thoughts collected before tomorrow night's marathon and final six hour bout with it. If not, I guess I'll kill more trees.

Tranquility

I spent most of the evening walking through the woods on some property we have far, far back in the woods on dirt roads looking for a Christmas tree. My parents have decided to sell timber, so this year, we are all going to get timber from that land before the crews cut all the little trees with the big ones.

The light was lovely through the trees. We still have beautiful colors despite the fact that it's December. I walked through the twilight and the old, old roads in country so deep there was no people noise at all anywhere. It was perfectly peaceful.

After dark fell and we failed to find "the tree", we drove down to one of the lower pastures of the property to look at a project my parents have going there. The sun had faded, but that deep indigo blue remained. There is no light pollution from any source there, so it's a perfect place to go to watch the stars. I could have stood there for hours, even with the night coldness creeping in. I hope I'm going to have lots of time to spend there during Christmas.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend has gone fast, but it's been wonderful. I have been planning it for a month, and it came together perfectly. Another person was able to take care of the bulletin at the church for me, so I had the weekend off from that, and I had all day yesterday to do two things in Jackson that only come around once a year.

The first part of it was the Chimneyville Crafts Festival. I look forward to this show every year. Just walking around and looking at the amazing talents and innovations of the craftspeople is a lift to my soul. I wish I had the time to try to develop the amazing skills they have. It's a sea of beauty. The textures of the silks, glass, wood, wool, silver, jewels, and my favorite, the pottery, beg to be touched, stroked, lifted, and admired. By the time I was halfway through the show, I felt glutted with beauty, and my tiny pittance of a paycheck was long gone.

Several of the items I bought this year were actually things I had seen last year and craved for a whole year because either I couldn't afford them last year or because somebody else beat me to the purchase last year. There is a lady who makes the most wonderful handknit felted wool hats, and last year I had looked at them, but I walked away without purchasing the one I had my heart set on to "think about it." Of course, when I came back, it was long gone. This year, I took no such chances, and I have the best black hat to show for it.

The second half of my wonderful Saturday was an evening of ballet with my best friend and her mom and aunt. We went to see The Nutcracker. It wasn't the most fabulous production I've ever seen. They did a couple of things that really annoy me, the chief of which is to tinker with the music to "modernize it", but just getting a break to go to see ballet with my friend made it all wonderful. The parts of the production with the professional dancers were great. It made me nostalgic for the performances in Indiana. I miss being able to see ballet and opera on a regular basis just for the joy of seeing and hearing beautiful things, so this weekend was a rare treat for me.

The weekend has wound up being a short one because of all the extra things crammed into yesterday, but I really wouldn't have had it any other way. It's been a long time since I took any sort of even mini-trip like this to refresh myself. While I was in Jackson, I saw at least two other things there I want to go do during the holidays. Maybe my friend will be able to have some more time during her family's holiday schedule where her husband can keep her kids another day, and we can go take another culture day together. Even if we don't get to do it again, I'm so glad that we did this weekend. It's made all the difference in the world.

Hit or Miss

If you're wondering where I've been, the simple answer is BUSY. Wednesday night I had my six-hour night class, and Thursday night I had my normal night class. I wrote the final for that class, and I still am not quite sure how I did.

There were four prompts total, and they were whoppers. I picked the two I was most comfortable with, and produced two hefty essays in the space of about an hour and fifteen minutes. The medicines kept making my thoughts go kablooey, so I'm hoping that everything was coherent. It's entirely a hit or miss situation. I produced eight full pages for the professor, so it was either a grand slam or a grand mess. I hope I'll know soon.

If I can finish up the last few projects for the other class, I'll be done for this semester. Then, I'll only have one more to go, and I'll be done, done, blessedly done with these night classes. As enjoyable as it's been to expand my mind and understanding, to be a student instead of a teacher again, having to do the coursework on top of teaching responsibilities has been tough. I'm kind of looking forward to being able to come home in the evening with nothing more taxing ahead of me than reruns and laundry.