Simple Holiday Joy

I was in Wal-Mart two days ago, and I got sucked in by the Halloween aisle. Halloween is still one of my favorite holidays. I guess I'm always going to adore the costumes, the cobwebs, and the candy. It's still several days till payday, so I was mostly relegated to browsing, but I did find one small item I had to bring home with me, a rubber duck with a pumpkin costume on. It was only a dollar, and for the amount of laughter I got out of it, it was very cheap at that price. I threw it in the cart on top of more pragmatic purchases like dog food and milk and headed for the checkout. Sometimes, I guess what is most needed at the end of a very long and trying day is some whimsical bit of childhood, even if it is mostly yellow and squeaky.

Hiatus

I haven't felt much like blogging for the past month, and I certainly haven't had much time to carve out for it, so I've let this sort of fall into the pile of things I don't deal with. There are so many changes and of such massive types at school that they feel like they're consuming me. The revisions to our departmental curriculum are causing me to question everything I thought I knew about what it means to be a teacher and to probe my own practices deeply.

So far, I haven't liked what I've seen very much. While I can't say that I've been doing everything wrong, I certainly haven't been doing things to the level that is possible, and now that we actually have someone guiding us to know what we can achieve, I feel like I need to step up my game considerably. Just the thought of the amount of work involved, though, is staggering. Lesson plans take as long as four hours to complete and produce stacks of paper when they're done. I come home at night feeling as though I've been caught in a whirlwind all day long that has just finally dumped me back at my door so I can fall down in relative peace for a few hours before beginning it all over again.

Many of my colleagues are not taking this transition well. I don't know if they're going to stick with it or not. Some of them are really resisting the change with a vengeance. I can understand that the change is hard, and even now, there are some parts of what we're doing that I don't necessarily agree with, but for the most part, I know that what we've been doing is fundamentally flawed and broken. If it's not working, why on earth would we possibly want to keep on doing that same thing? This new way isn't some outlandish methodology; it looks like what I see coming out of other states and programs across the nation.

My main problem with it isn't the validity of what we're being asked to do; it's with my own inability to juggle everything efficiently. I keep having moments of sheer panic and weariness where I just want to fold my arms, put my head on my desk, and cry. I feel even more like Sisyphus than normal, and I know all too well the feeling of that big, gritty stone as it makes its stately progression down the middle of my back on its way back to the bottom of the hill.

If I can just keep focused on my end goal, the students, and the fact that this year will be the worst of it, I think I can endure. So much will be better once we can get through this first bad year of redesign. We'll have a clear purpose and goal, and we can begin to polish and refine. I just hope that I can get there without running away screaming. Right now, it's a very close race, so stay tuned, folks...

Little Bits and Pieces

Lately I feel as if little bits and pieces of me are slowly being nibbled away. As usual, I am overcommitted in every possible way and to every possible group. I spend about 12 hours of every day at school only to stagger home and fall down for a few hours and do it all over again. On the weekends, I try to keep up my church responsibilities, but I start my new week just as tired as I left the old one. How did I get this way?

I wish I could find a balance. I don't know how to regain it. I like everything that I do, and that's what makes it so hard to cut away things. I can't cut away the prep time at school, either, because otherwise I can't get my job there done. I guess I just have to live in hope that the biggest part of the hard labor there is going to settle down some soon so I can catch my breath a bit. Otherwise, I may be headed for a mental health day very early on this year or an honest-to-goodness sick day as my body forces me to take the time it's missing elsewhere flat of my back in the bed in revenge.