Sunday, November 24, 2013

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day. I've cleaned as much as I would if company were coming. I still have a few things to do. I don't know if it will be enough to let me sleep. 

I'm so nervous. At least it's supposed to be early tomorrow so I don't have that gruesome wait in the hospital. 

I'm just going to watch a little more Doctor Who and try my best to sleep. Hard to believe how much my life is about to change.....

Monday, November 18, 2013

Countdown

7 days.

Mom came to school today and shadowed me.  She got to see how our school day works and all the moving pieces of my specific classes.  It's one of the last things I have to do before the big day.

I keep going back and forth between a sort of gnawing sadness and a need for relief.  I've been exhausted.  I've been hurting.  Yesterday, I had a hard time drawing a deep breath.  Physically, I need this to be over.  Emotionally....  Well.  You can't have everything, right?

On a different note, I just ordered a bright blue TARDIS bathrobe from ThinkGeek.  It's a "happy" from my parents.  I added a pair of matching house shoes myself, so I guess I will be shuffling down the halls in style.  I probably won't care, but at least I'll look geektastic.

Sigh.

7 days.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Up and Down

I have my surgery date.  Let's just say the week of Thanksgiving won't be much fun for me.

I am going up and down with this.  Mostly, I just stay as busy as possible.  That's easy to do with as much as there is to get done before the surgery.  There are school things.  House things.  Shopping things.  Pet things.  Every time I sit down and look at one of my "to do" lists, it seems I'm adding as much as I'm crossing out. I'm hoping that I'll hit a tipping point with it soon.

But what if I do?  Then I'll have time to...think....

Since the doctor ruled out cancer, some of the worst of my nightmares have abated, but I am still an emotional mess if I don't run myself ragged and fall down at the end of it.  Stupid commercials make me cry.  Facebook statuses make me cry.  Yesterday, a freaking doughnut made me cry.

If you don't know me, you might not understand the depths of my hatred for this lack of control.  I always keep it locked down.  Always.  Lately, I just can't.

I keep thinking about life post-surgery.  There's dread for the whole process of having to learn how to walk upright - AGAIN.  There's that nauseous anticipation of the day of with the needles and the waking up after in pain and sick from the anesthesia.  There's all that time out of class.

And then there are the things I can't write about, can't talk about, don't even want to think about, all the things that...won't be.

(turning away from that path right now)

Tonight, though, it's still ahead of me.  I had some awesomely spicy turkey chili, and my Dad brought me a doughnut (which did not make me cry this time).  My dear old cat Yoda is curled up behind me in her little purple sweater, and I'm curled up under the afghan my grandmother made so long ago.  I'm almost warm for the first time today since I woke up, and in just a short time, I'll go let unconsciousness sweep over me.

Tomorrow, I will get up running, fortify myself with coffee, shield myself with busyness, and do what has to be done.

What else is there?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Thoughts Right Before Sleep

If I'm honest, this could just be the bone-shattering fatigue or the total sugar crash or too much or not enough caffeine or the sad, scary day or a random flutter of a dozen other things. That qualifier in place, it must be said that I miss you. 

I don't know how this happened. 

Well.... That's probably a lie. 

I was actually waiting for it to happen, but I was hoping to be proven wrong just once. 

I'm too tired to do much navel-gazing. I'll strip it down to the bones. You're gone, and I wish you weren't. 

The End. 

Again. 

Monday, November 04, 2013

Waiting

I took my Xanax and rolled up into the scary machine Thursday.  It wasn't as bad as last time.  Since they were doing the MRI on my abdomen, they used the "short bore" machine, and as tall as I am, my head was mostly out the other end of the machine.  I could see light, anyway, and between that and the super-pill, I was okay even when they put the IV in for the dye contrast.

Now I'm waiting.  If I don't hear from them tomorrow, I'll call.  I need to know a date.  The C word, we just won't mention.

Anyway, while I'm waiting, I have all this ridiculous energy, and I've been cleaning like a fiend.  This weekend alone, I washed all my slipcovers, bought new sheets, washed them and put them on, folded about three weeks' worth of laundry and put it away, bought new towels and reorganized my bathroom cabinets, took down my Halloween decorations and put up the few things I use for Thanksgiving, bought major groceries, and vacuumed up about three large white dogs from my carpets.  At least things are getting done.

Today, I was out for an appointment with another doctor, a theme I could live without, and tomorrow I'll be back in my classroom.  I am sure enough work waits for me there to keep me occupied with no effort at all.