I get bored with the way backgrounds look pretty quickly. I change out my computer wallpaper and screensavers at least seasonally, frequently more often than that. I guess it's only natural, then, that I get tired of my blog's look, too, and redecorate here. The dots got old fast. Also, I wanted something fast-loading that won't (you should pardon the phrase) suck when I look at it on my iPod and BlackBerry. Hence, this new, exceedingly minimalist edition of the blog. I think it will make me happier, at least in the meantime. If you personally don't care for it, remember that it is like the weather. Wait, and sooner or later, it will change....
The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. ~ H. D. Thoreau
This made me stop and think hard, as Thoreau always does. Crap. There are some things in my life that I am paying far too high a price for right now.....
Hello, hello (¡Hola!)
I'm at a place called Vertigo (¿Dónde está?)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
~ from "Vertigo" by U2
The world continues to spin at inopportune moments. Yesterday was a good day, and I thought this was done. I drove to school, I took my classes on tours of the new ninth-grade building, a trip that involved many trips up and down stairs, and I only felt dizzy a couple of times. I even went to a holiday party last night, and I did okay there, too. I guess I'm making up for it today in abundance, though, because I can't seem even to look across the room without the room tilting and spinning.
I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about it, though. It's a little like being on a roller coaster, only I didn't have to go stand in a big stupid line. There is always that. I have my own personal theme park with all the danger rides I could want in my head. All I have to do to "take a ride" is sort of tilt my head or stand up.... Whoo-hoo!
Really. This needs to quit. I need it to stop. I don't want to be a disabled person, and that's the way this is heading. I need to be going to the grocery store right now, and I can't. I don't want other people to have to cart me around or do for me. Therefore, the amusement part needs to shut down for the season. I have other things to attend to at this time.
We'll see how far logic and firm determination get me with this.... I'm going to take an Anti-Vert.
The past two mornings I've awakened with horrible vertigo. In fact, in the shower this morning it was so bad I thought I was going to pass out. Today it has gotten progressively worse throughout the day until finally, this afternoon, I wound up having to teach my last class from a chair.
I had the last check on my knee today, and I decided that after it was done I would go across the street to see my GP about the dizziness. I assumed it was attributable to an inner ear infection. That would be simple to clear up, something requiring only a shot, maybe, a round of antibiotics. I guess I should have thought about my medical history a little longer first.
They took my temperature, measured my blood pressure, and checked all the other usual vitals. All fine. They looked in my ears, my nose, my throat. Nada. They drew blood and ran a quick analysis. Nothing. There is no reason for the room to be doing this hellish square dance every so often.
The possible causes are not fun. Stress, a new form of migraine, Meniere's Disease, and simple repetitive baseless vertigo were all mentioned. Well....YAY! I mean sign me up for some and/or all of that right now, please. 'Cause I don't have enough specialty medicine issues in my life.
I am to give it about two weeks, and if it's still going on, then I'm to go back so they can refer me to a specialist. I am so hoping they don't have to do that. I don't think I can stand another ride on this particular merry-go-round. It would be so nice if this was something that just went away on its own and could be chalked up to weirdness.
I have some anti-vert here on the table, and in a few minutes, I'm going to take half of one and sleep. I'm tired. Really, really tired. I wish I could just be normal. It would be such a nice change.
I'm listening to rain on the rooftop, and two of my three cats are edging ever closer to me, surreptitiously trying to get on the blanket or my legs without my noticing. This is no mean feat for animals weighing 8 and 12 pounds, respectively. However, Pearl, my largest and furriest cat, has powers of stealth that are inexplicable, so probably in a few minutes, there will be a giant pile of grey fur purring contentedly and weighing me down like a living boulder. Let it be. It's a good day for it.
Odd that today should be a day for any kind of contentment. It's a Monday, and they are usually frightful with the ending of the leisure of a weekend and the return to activity in a regular week. I think it was that it was such an unusual day, one that actually allowed me to get things done.
I stayed after school today until 6:45 and graded like a madwoman. The papers have stacked up waist-high, and I needed to get some peace about that. I graded something like twelve sets of papers today. I still have several left to do, but this got it down to where one more afternoon of intensive work will get me caught up. I want to leave for the break with everything graded and recorded. I don't want anything hanging over me during the holiday, no guilt, no nagging worry about stuff in the workbag.
Another reason today was so nice, though, was because two of my wonderful former students dropped by. I love it when the ones who are gone come back. I didn't get to talk to either of them very much, which I regret. I wanted to chat with them, but of course, it just wasn't possible. Maybe another opportunity will arise. One was on his way to a fabulous adventure and the other came by as my class was starting. It was just so good to see them.
I realized that I hadn't seen one of them for about five years. He was in my very first AP class. He's in graduate school now. That part of it is somehow still messing with my mind. How is it possible that anybody I taught is now in grad school? Wait....doesn't that make me....um....old? Well. Yes. Yes, it does.
But you know what? That's perfectly fine. I am content with it. When these brilliant ones I am teaching come back to me as Dr. So-and-So, I'm going to just smile with tranquility. It's all going to be good. At least if I'm old, I will have something about which I can be happy. They make me happy. Knowing they're out there stretching those rainbow-hued wings, flying and soaring, becoming, that makes these worn old grey/black raven feathers of mine very satisfactory indeed.
I have had zero Christmas spirit this year. Those of you for whom I am not a faceless entity may be surprised by this since I am usually all about all holidays in all their forms. I have not put up a Christmas bulletin board. I have not put lights up on the house. I could not seem to make myself get a tree. I have barely been able to bring myself to do the minimal changing of the string of lights and garland I have around my classroom door for all the holidays from Halloween to graduation.
I could blame it on a great many things, but I won't go into the depressing list. I should have known better, really. I should have made myself do it over Thanksgiving even though it was the last thing I felt like. I started to, but it was so much easier to keep putting it off, and the next thing I knew, the holiday was gone and school was upon me like a rabid tiger. Now that I'm sitting here looking at everything out and on display, I feel silly for not putting forth the effort sooner.
I got my tree in about fifteen minutes this afternoon at the place we've been getting our trees from since I was very young. I don't have to have a moment of epiphany with the trees. That's always been Mom's thing. I knew which one I wanted pretty quickly, so I got it and got it home fairly fast. I got it in the stand and everything myself (of which I was proud), and as I was decorating it, I felt the first faint glimmerings of the Christmas spirit as I pulled my collection of Shiny Brights out from under the daybed in the library where I store them. Something about the delicate and lovely silvered glass and the fact that I am simply the latest person to share their history of holiday joy stirred whatever it was inside me that has been beaten down, grumpy and dormant this year.
My mood continued to improve as I put some of my favorite Santa ornaments on the tree. I have some that I look forward to seeing every year, and I always make sure they get pride of place where I see them first thing as I come into the living room from different doors. There are always a couple I forget about, and it's a nice surprise to rediscover them in the box.
In addition to the tree, I also set out my two Christmas collections, my old-world Santas and my nativities. I have been collecting the Santas since I was in high school, I guess, and I have enough of them to fill the top of my piano. I don't even put all of them out anymore. Some of the big fancy fabric ones I save back in case I need to do a frilly table somewhere. As I unwrapped the Santas, again memories came with them. There are several of those I actually made when I worked at a decorative ceramics business during my undergrad days. Others have been gifts from friends and family members.
The nativities are a more recent addition started by one I made when I worked at that ceramics business. I started adding others to that one, and now I have a fairly large collection of those, too. That collection made me cry tonight. One of the pieces I have in it came from a lady in my church who passed away this past year, and I had forgotten it was there until I had opened the box and saw her name on the tag I had kept with it. I could see her again for a moment, and it was both beautiful and painful. That piece has pride of place this year.
I still have several things left to do. I need to get some lights up outside, although I have decided that I am NOT going to do what I usually do and wrap all the columns of my porch with lights. It looks great, but it takes a million years to put up and take down. I will probably just put some around my side entry where they'll be cheery for guests and for me when I drag my weary self in at the end of my ridiculous days. I also found a gorgeous set of vintage poinsettia curtains Granny had in storage, and I'm trying to get some storage stains out of them right now. Regardless of whether or not I can get them pristine, they're going up in my kitchen. They're of the same vintage as my beloved luncheonette cloths and my Shiny Brights, and they ROCK.
I am slowly filling my house and my heart with Christmas. It feels good. I had missed it, really. I love Christmas. I always have. It would have been sad if I allowed everything else that has been going on to kill it off for me again this year. I guess it was really just a case of doing it and allowing the sweetness of it to fill me like the fragrance of fresh-cut cedar or the light from a candle glowing in the window, driving out the darkness.
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