Prying the Fingers Loose

Some things I always want to hold onto even after I know they're no longer functional.  There's a sentimentality to that.  I grow attached to places, to things, to people, and even when I know it's time to leave or let go, it's hard to do.  It's especially hard when the situation in question is something that is precious. Foolishly, I suppose, I think some way will be found to renovate, refresh, revive.  Usually what happens instead is that I just wind up with something broken and slightly dangerous in my hands and a lot of time wasted for my efforts.

I have a situation that I've known was falling apart now for awhile.  When I say awhile, I mean a very long time.  I've slowly watched things change, misunderstandings happen, vitality disappear, and I've known that I should do something about it, but once upon a time, this meant a great deal to me, so I've held on to it hopefully, thinking that I'd find a way to mend it or make it good again. Maybe that only happens in fairy tales, though, that sudden turning of hearts, that miraculous healing of relationships.

It's been brought home to me rather brutally lately, though, by another issue that the last-minute healing and mending doesn't really happen that often.  Everybody involved has to want it, work toward it.  When something is foundering, this is hardly ever the case. It founders precisely because one or more of the parties involved no longer cares enough to maintain.  It's foolish to continue holding out a hand just to have it slapped down or ignored.  It's foolish to set oneself up for the hurt.  If I have learned nothing else in the past two months, that lesson I got.  In spades.

So I am moving toward peace with this, I think.  Maybe it's only the ashes of something that was once wonderful in my hand anyway.  I am opening my tightly-clenched fist to the winds and letting whatever is refuse be blown away.  This is an ending that has been a long time in coming, mostly because I've been a long time in letting it.  A wiser person than I would have said what needed to be said, done what needed to be done, and gotten free of it all a long time ago.