Today was a day of finishing up the last bits of Christmas shopping. I spent the better part of the day going from one part of town to the other, but I noticed a difference this year: people weren't frothing at the mouth and trying to kill each other. It was nice. I don't know if this is because it's not yet Christmas Eve or if some miraculous transformation has swept over Podunk, but I really appreciated it. Checkers were personable, people were wishing each other Merry Christmas, shoppers held open doors for one another, people standing in line were courteous and waved each other ahead, and even drivers waiting to pull into moving traffic were allowing other cars out ahead of them. I kept feeling like I was in some sort of Christmas movie instead of the snarling mass of hateful humanity I had left the house expecting this morning, but I am genuinely and truly grateful for that surprise.
Christmas shopping shouldn't be something that turns people into Satan's little helpers, and if it does that to them, then I think they should probably just go home for a little while, or get everything online. To me, going shopping for Christmas gifts is a little stressful because I am always teaching right up until the last minute, but I actually enjoy trying to find things I think the special people in my life will like and use. Of course, there are a couple of them that I can NEVER find anything for, but that's what God made gift certificates for, after all.... I'm sure not everybody today was wearing angel wings, and I'm sure that had I stayed in town on into the late afternoon, or if I were to go back Monday, some of the politesse would have worn away, but for now, all I can say is it was awful nice to see some of the Christmas spirit alive and well even in the institutions of commerce.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
More Interstate Angst
So today as I was driving home minding my own business, a guy in a big green Dodge pickup in front of me apparently had forgotten the first and most vital rule of hauling anything in the bed of a truck: tie it down. I was letting my parents know I was on the way home when I had to yell and throw down the cell to swerve.
A queen or king-sized box springs and at least part of the metal bed frame the green Dodge genius had used to try to hold it down with blew out of his back end, spiraled up into the air, crashed into the middle of the two lanes of the west-bound interstate, and caused all manner of swerving and problems. Fortunately, nobody was immediately behind him. I was one of the closest, and I was probably four car lengths behind, so I had plenty of time to evade the flying mattress parts, but it was a scary moment. I wasn't at all sure the thing wasn't going to stay airborne and crash through my windshield for a few minutes, and then when it finally touched down, it sort of went end-over-end, and I wasn't sure where everybody else was going to go.
The metal bits were like shrapnel, and I think one lady might have run over some of it. I couldn't tell what happened. I just swerved left into my part of the median and kept going. There was no place to stop, and it was a good place to get run over by the 60 mph traffic. I hope there were no big accidents after I made it through, but I'm going to be surprised if there weren't. After I cleared it, the box springs were laying in the other lane mostly obstructing it and the five o'clock rush hadn't quite gotten started. The guy in the truck took an off-ramp, so hopefully he was going back to clean up his mess. Maybe next time he puts something in the back of his truck, he'll also tie it down.
A queen or king-sized box springs and at least part of the metal bed frame the green Dodge genius had used to try to hold it down with blew out of his back end, spiraled up into the air, crashed into the middle of the two lanes of the west-bound interstate, and caused all manner of swerving and problems. Fortunately, nobody was immediately behind him. I was one of the closest, and I was probably four car lengths behind, so I had plenty of time to evade the flying mattress parts, but it was a scary moment. I wasn't at all sure the thing wasn't going to stay airborne and crash through my windshield for a few minutes, and then when it finally touched down, it sort of went end-over-end, and I wasn't sure where everybody else was going to go.
The metal bits were like shrapnel, and I think one lady might have run over some of it. I couldn't tell what happened. I just swerved left into my part of the median and kept going. There was no place to stop, and it was a good place to get run over by the 60 mph traffic. I hope there were no big accidents after I made it through, but I'm going to be surprised if there weren't. After I cleared it, the box springs were laying in the other lane mostly obstructing it and the five o'clock rush hadn't quite gotten started. The guy in the truck took an off-ramp, so hopefully he was going back to clean up his mess. Maybe next time he puts something in the back of his truck, he'll also tie it down.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Highway Patrol
This afternoon on the way home, I watched the dynamics on the interstate with amusement. The powerful dark gray highway patrol cruiser slid into the flow of traffic just ahead of me, and instantly the 80-something mph traffic became 65-ish mph traffic. The trooper was just sort of gliding along in his own little world as they are prone to do, but behind him, the traffic began to stack up. Vehicles that usually blow me off the road raced past, saw the distinctive shape and color of the trooper's car, and hit their brakes.
It was like an ocean documentary. I felt like there should be a voice-over. "The great white shark cruises majestically, unconcerned with the small fish that dart around it. It waits for larger prey. All those around it, however, are acutely aware of its presence...." It was too funny.
Eventually, the highway patrolman got tired of hanging out with the regular speed limit folk, and he did what I'd love to do: hit the gas on that big engine and took off with no fear of anybody ticketing him. Once he was gone, all the little fish resumed their frantic forward motion. It was interesting to watch while it lasted, though.
It was like an ocean documentary. I felt like there should be a voice-over. "The great white shark cruises majestically, unconcerned with the small fish that dart around it. It waits for larger prey. All those around it, however, are acutely aware of its presence...." It was too funny.
Eventually, the highway patrolman got tired of hanging out with the regular speed limit folk, and he did what I'd love to do: hit the gas on that big engine and took off with no fear of anybody ticketing him. Once he was gone, all the little fish resumed their frantic forward motion. It was interesting to watch while it lasted, though.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Happiness Is....
After a long and particularly satisfying day of time spent doing things I enjoy, I present the following list. It is by no means exhaustive.
Happiness is....
1)waking up snug in a feather bed on a cold winter morning and listening to the wind howling out side...and knowing you don't have to get up unless you want to.
2) spending an afternoon reading in a comfortable chair replete with an quilt and one or more cats.
3) the smell and taste of oranges as you peel them with your hands, a delightful mess. They just don't taste as good daintily quartered by a knife.
4) the sound of snoring dogs on the couch.
5) knowing there are only three days left until Christmas vacation.
6) getting on the scale and watching the numbers continuing to get smaller and smaller every time I do.
7) wandering aimlessly in a bookstore without time constraints and then having a copy of the new Greg Iles novel waiting for an all-night-read-a-thon (thanks again for the tip, AC).
8) being told recently by some students that they felt like they were learning in my classes.
9) eating homemade pizza off my Santa Claus dishes.
10) driving up to my house and seeing it all aglow in Christmas lights.
There are more, but right now, these are the ones to list. God is good.
Happiness is....
1)waking up snug in a feather bed on a cold winter morning and listening to the wind howling out side...and knowing you don't have to get up unless you want to.
2) spending an afternoon reading in a comfortable chair replete with an quilt and one or more cats.
3) the smell and taste of oranges as you peel them with your hands, a delightful mess. They just don't taste as good daintily quartered by a knife.
4) the sound of snoring dogs on the couch.
5) knowing there are only three days left until Christmas vacation.
6) getting on the scale and watching the numbers continuing to get smaller and smaller every time I do.
7) wandering aimlessly in a bookstore without time constraints and then having a copy of the new Greg Iles novel waiting for an all-night-read-a-thon (thanks again for the tip, AC).
8) being told recently by some students that they felt like they were learning in my classes.
9) eating homemade pizza off my Santa Claus dishes.
10) driving up to my house and seeing it all aglow in Christmas lights.
There are more, but right now, these are the ones to list. God is good.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
A General State of Weariness and Confusion
My head is confused, partially because of good old Topamax, partially because of end-of-semester stress, and partially because of a strange situation in which I suddenly find myself. The situation is one of those things I keep telling myself to simply put on the shelf and watch from a distance to see what develops, but I've never been very good at that kind of thing. No patience, you see....
I keep mentally grabbing it up again and again and toying with it in my head, turning it over and over until the corners are wearing off it, but nothing about the situation is really getting resolved. I find myself sitting at my desk when I should be grading papers, and I'm suddenly aware that the situation has thrust vine-like tentacles into every part of my consciousness and that I haven't really processed a word of the paper in front of me for the last paragraph. It's a huge effort of will to beat it back into a corner of my mind and make it stay there for any length of time. About the time I get my mental discipline together, the source of whole problem shakes everything up again by adding some little tidbit to the puzzle, and then off I go, trying to sort all the pieces out again. This may just drive me crazy before I figure it out or before it goes away on its own.
Mercifully, the holidays are a mere three days away, and then I can hide out here at home, see my far-flung friends, and generally recharge batteries that are running dangerously low. Perhaps with some rest and distance the puzzle will actually turn out to be like one of those little word finds from grade school instead of a translation exercise involving Latin, Sanskrit, and hieroglyphics.....
I keep mentally grabbing it up again and again and toying with it in my head, turning it over and over until the corners are wearing off it, but nothing about the situation is really getting resolved. I find myself sitting at my desk when I should be grading papers, and I'm suddenly aware that the situation has thrust vine-like tentacles into every part of my consciousness and that I haven't really processed a word of the paper in front of me for the last paragraph. It's a huge effort of will to beat it back into a corner of my mind and make it stay there for any length of time. About the time I get my mental discipline together, the source of whole problem shakes everything up again by adding some little tidbit to the puzzle, and then off I go, trying to sort all the pieces out again. This may just drive me crazy before I figure it out or before it goes away on its own.
Mercifully, the holidays are a mere three days away, and then I can hide out here at home, see my far-flung friends, and generally recharge batteries that are running dangerously low. Perhaps with some rest and distance the puzzle will actually turn out to be like one of those little word finds from grade school instead of a translation exercise involving Latin, Sanskrit, and hieroglyphics.....
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Too Darn Hot
Now I've got the Cole Porter song going around in circles in my head....
It really is. It's mid-December, and today I think we hit 80 degrees. This is insane! I finally gave up a few moments ago and switched the central unit back to a/c. I'm tired of being hot. The summer was bad enough; it's officially winter, and I want some cold winter.
Now, let's not take this as an invitation to the gods of arctic cold to stride in. I'm just tired of wondering if I should wear sandals and crops to work in December. Where's our Christmas-y weather?
It really is. It's mid-December, and today I think we hit 80 degrees. This is insane! I finally gave up a few moments ago and switched the central unit back to a/c. I'm tired of being hot. The summer was bad enough; it's officially winter, and I want some cold winter.
Now, let's not take this as an invitation to the gods of arctic cold to stride in. I'm just tired of wondering if I should wear sandals and crops to work in December. Where's our Christmas-y weather?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Quote that Sums Up My Life
If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
- John A. Wheeler
If this is true, then every day of my life is a banner day.....
- John A. Wheeler
If this is true, then every day of my life is a banner day.....
Monday, December 10, 2007
Uneven
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux
I'm trying to take comfort in this quote. Lately, I feel like I've been up and down. Today was a perfect example of insane ups and downs. Maybe all Mondays are uneven.
The day started with my eyes flying open at about 4:30 for no readily apparent reason. I guess I shouldn't have taken that long nap yesterday afternoon. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but eventually, I just gave up and got up to start the day.
Once I got to school, I had some copies to run, but when a colleague of mine ran the first copy of the day, the machine lit up like a Christmas tree and jammed in every location. He and I looked at each other in something like shock and spent the next fifteen minutes buried inside the machine searching for the elusive (and in my opinion, imaginary) fragment of paper that the copier kept registering as hiding somewhere deep within the recesses.
I believe the copier was just lying in wait for the first soul unfortunate enough to lay a piece of paper on the glass plate. The overuse has made it into a sentient beast, and now, in our hour of greatest need, it lies, predatory and silent in the early morning hours purring to itself softly, contemplating what mischief it may cause for the one who approaches it first. Other days, I think it plays "eineey-meenie-mineey-moe" to pick its target. On the other hand, I might be tired and paranoid about the machinery....
The day continued to much the same mix of hectic situations broken by moments of frantic grading as I am trying to get everything completed for the end of term. By the time seventh period arrived, I was exhausted, but I felt as though I had accomplished a lot. Maybe with a few more days, some of the unevenness will level out.
Jean Giraudoux
I'm trying to take comfort in this quote. Lately, I feel like I've been up and down. Today was a perfect example of insane ups and downs. Maybe all Mondays are uneven.
The day started with my eyes flying open at about 4:30 for no readily apparent reason. I guess I shouldn't have taken that long nap yesterday afternoon. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but eventually, I just gave up and got up to start the day.
Once I got to school, I had some copies to run, but when a colleague of mine ran the first copy of the day, the machine lit up like a Christmas tree and jammed in every location. He and I looked at each other in something like shock and spent the next fifteen minutes buried inside the machine searching for the elusive (and in my opinion, imaginary) fragment of paper that the copier kept registering as hiding somewhere deep within the recesses.
I believe the copier was just lying in wait for the first soul unfortunate enough to lay a piece of paper on the glass plate. The overuse has made it into a sentient beast, and now, in our hour of greatest need, it lies, predatory and silent in the early morning hours purring to itself softly, contemplating what mischief it may cause for the one who approaches it first. Other days, I think it plays "eineey-meenie-mineey-moe" to pick its target. On the other hand, I might be tired and paranoid about the machinery....
The day continued to much the same mix of hectic situations broken by moments of frantic grading as I am trying to get everything completed for the end of term. By the time seventh period arrived, I was exhausted, but I felt as though I had accomplished a lot. Maybe with a few more days, some of the unevenness will level out.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Topamax Again
One of the worst things for me to adjust to with the Topamax has been the problem of what it does to me when I try to do "online" processing tasks like reading or sight-reading music. For some reason, if it's not a piece of literature or music that I'm familiar with, I don't seem to process as fast as I used to. There's a delay or lag that never used to be there.
It's much worse with music than with simple reading, perhaps because of the added step of converting the notes to a motion of the hand. Last Sunday night, during one of the hymns we were doing, the notes on the page simply stopped making sense. They were like a Rorschach test, and I literally couldn't recognize a single note on the page. I started shaking, and it only lasted a few measures, but it seemed like an eternity. I finally found a chord that I recognized and was able to get back into it, but I was shaky the rest of the service.
I stumble a lot more with my reading than I used to as well. I hate that because reading aloud is such a big part of my job, too. I just do the best I can with it and go on, but these two things together have really been profoundly difficult for me to deal with. My doctor tells me that they are just natural functions of my brain chemistry adjusting to the medicine, and that some of the symptoms should go away as time progresses.
In truth, some things have gotten better. Many of those early symptoms of weariness have gone away. I only forget words occasionally. The migraines are certainly better. This one big obstacle remains. I just hope it goes away, too. I can't stand the thought of having to stop playing. It's been a part of my life for 25 years now, and to lose that would be profound.
It's much worse with music than with simple reading, perhaps because of the added step of converting the notes to a motion of the hand. Last Sunday night, during one of the hymns we were doing, the notes on the page simply stopped making sense. They were like a Rorschach test, and I literally couldn't recognize a single note on the page. I started shaking, and it only lasted a few measures, but it seemed like an eternity. I finally found a chord that I recognized and was able to get back into it, but I was shaky the rest of the service.
I stumble a lot more with my reading than I used to as well. I hate that because reading aloud is such a big part of my job, too. I just do the best I can with it and go on, but these two things together have really been profoundly difficult for me to deal with. My doctor tells me that they are just natural functions of my brain chemistry adjusting to the medicine, and that some of the symptoms should go away as time progresses.
In truth, some things have gotten better. Many of those early symptoms of weariness have gone away. I only forget words occasionally. The migraines are certainly better. This one big obstacle remains. I just hope it goes away, too. I can't stand the thought of having to stop playing. It's been a part of my life for 25 years now, and to lose that would be profound.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Doodling and Distracted
I have a lot on my mind lately, some good things, some bad, so tonight's special meeting of the class-that-never-ends didn't bode well for my concentration. Although I love the class and I adore the teacher, I loathe the piece of literature we're working on right now, Spencer's tiresome epic The Faerie Queene. I keep praying Redcrosse will just get his sorry act together or that Una will get a spine and a sword.
I spent most of the four-hour block of class doodling and writing instead of listening. I couldn't focus on Una's perilous quest. I certainly didn't care about it. I hope I can get my thoughts collected before tomorrow night's marathon and final six hour bout with it. If not, I guess I'll kill more trees.
I spent most of the four-hour block of class doodling and writing instead of listening. I couldn't focus on Una's perilous quest. I certainly didn't care about it. I hope I can get my thoughts collected before tomorrow night's marathon and final six hour bout with it. If not, I guess I'll kill more trees.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Tranquility
I spent most of the evening walking through the woods on some property we have far, far back in the woods on dirt roads looking for a Christmas tree. My parents have decided to sell timber, so this year, we are all going to get timber from that land before the crews cut all the little trees with the big ones.
The light was lovely through the trees. We still have beautiful colors despite the fact that it's December. I walked through the twilight and the old, old roads in country so deep there was no people noise at all anywhere. It was perfectly peaceful.
After dark fell and we failed to find "the tree", we drove down to one of the lower pastures of the property to look at a project my parents have going there. The sun had faded, but that deep indigo blue remained. There is no light pollution from any source there, so it's a perfect place to go to watch the stars. I could have stood there for hours, even with the night coldness creeping in. I hope I'm going to have lots of time to spend there during Christmas.
The light was lovely through the trees. We still have beautiful colors despite the fact that it's December. I walked through the twilight and the old, old roads in country so deep there was no people noise at all anywhere. It was perfectly peaceful.
After dark fell and we failed to find "the tree", we drove down to one of the lower pastures of the property to look at a project my parents have going there. The sun had faded, but that deep indigo blue remained. There is no light pollution from any source there, so it's a perfect place to go to watch the stars. I could have stood there for hours, even with the night coldness creeping in. I hope I'm going to have lots of time to spend there during Christmas.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Wonderful Weekend
This weekend has gone fast, but it's been wonderful. I have been planning it for a month, and it came together perfectly. Another person was able to take care of the bulletin at the church for me, so I had the weekend off from that, and I had all day yesterday to do two things in Jackson that only come around once a year.
The first part of it was the Chimneyville Crafts Festival. I look forward to this show every year. Just walking around and looking at the amazing talents and innovations of the craftspeople is a lift to my soul. I wish I had the time to try to develop the amazing skills they have. It's a sea of beauty. The textures of the silks, glass, wood, wool, silver, jewels, and my favorite, the pottery, beg to be touched, stroked, lifted, and admired. By the time I was halfway through the show, I felt glutted with beauty, and my tiny pittance of a paycheck was long gone.
Several of the items I bought this year were actually things I had seen last year and craved for a whole year because either I couldn't afford them last year or because somebody else beat me to the purchase last year. There is a lady who makes the most wonderful handknit felted wool hats, and last year I had looked at them, but I walked away without purchasing the one I had my heart set on to "think about it." Of course, when I came back, it was long gone. This year, I took no such chances, and I have the best black hat to show for it.
The second half of my wonderful Saturday was an evening of ballet with my best friend and her mom and aunt. We went to see The Nutcracker. It wasn't the most fabulous production I've ever seen. They did a couple of things that really annoy me, the chief of which is to tinker with the music to "modernize it", but just getting a break to go to see ballet with my friend made it all wonderful. The parts of the production with the professional dancers were great. It made me nostalgic for the performances in Indiana. I miss being able to see ballet and opera on a regular basis just for the joy of seeing and hearing beautiful things, so this weekend was a rare treat for me.
The weekend has wound up being a short one because of all the extra things crammed into yesterday, but I really wouldn't have had it any other way. It's been a long time since I took any sort of even mini-trip like this to refresh myself. While I was in Jackson, I saw at least two other things there I want to go do during the holidays. Maybe my friend will be able to have some more time during her family's holiday schedule where her husband can keep her kids another day, and we can go take another culture day together. Even if we don't get to do it again, I'm so glad that we did this weekend. It's made all the difference in the world.
The first part of it was the Chimneyville Crafts Festival. I look forward to this show every year. Just walking around and looking at the amazing talents and innovations of the craftspeople is a lift to my soul. I wish I had the time to try to develop the amazing skills they have. It's a sea of beauty. The textures of the silks, glass, wood, wool, silver, jewels, and my favorite, the pottery, beg to be touched, stroked, lifted, and admired. By the time I was halfway through the show, I felt glutted with beauty, and my tiny pittance of a paycheck was long gone.
Several of the items I bought this year were actually things I had seen last year and craved for a whole year because either I couldn't afford them last year or because somebody else beat me to the purchase last year. There is a lady who makes the most wonderful handknit felted wool hats, and last year I had looked at them, but I walked away without purchasing the one I had my heart set on to "think about it." Of course, when I came back, it was long gone. This year, I took no such chances, and I have the best black hat to show for it.
The second half of my wonderful Saturday was an evening of ballet with my best friend and her mom and aunt. We went to see The Nutcracker. It wasn't the most fabulous production I've ever seen. They did a couple of things that really annoy me, the chief of which is to tinker with the music to "modernize it", but just getting a break to go to see ballet with my friend made it all wonderful. The parts of the production with the professional dancers were great. It made me nostalgic for the performances in Indiana. I miss being able to see ballet and opera on a regular basis just for the joy of seeing and hearing beautiful things, so this weekend was a rare treat for me.
The weekend has wound up being a short one because of all the extra things crammed into yesterday, but I really wouldn't have had it any other way. It's been a long time since I took any sort of even mini-trip like this to refresh myself. While I was in Jackson, I saw at least two other things there I want to go do during the holidays. Maybe my friend will be able to have some more time during her family's holiday schedule where her husband can keep her kids another day, and we can go take another culture day together. Even if we don't get to do it again, I'm so glad that we did this weekend. It's made all the difference in the world.
Hit or Miss
If you're wondering where I've been, the simple answer is BUSY. Wednesday night I had my six-hour night class, and Thursday night I had my normal night class. I wrote the final for that class, and I still am not quite sure how I did.
There were four prompts total, and they were whoppers. I picked the two I was most comfortable with, and produced two hefty essays in the space of about an hour and fifteen minutes. The medicines kept making my thoughts go kablooey, so I'm hoping that everything was coherent. It's entirely a hit or miss situation. I produced eight full pages for the professor, so it was either a grand slam or a grand mess. I hope I'll know soon.
If I can finish up the last few projects for the other class, I'll be done for this semester. Then, I'll only have one more to go, and I'll be done, done, blessedly done with these night classes. As enjoyable as it's been to expand my mind and understanding, to be a student instead of a teacher again, having to do the coursework on top of teaching responsibilities has been tough. I'm kind of looking forward to being able to come home in the evening with nothing more taxing ahead of me than reruns and laundry.
There were four prompts total, and they were whoppers. I picked the two I was most comfortable with, and produced two hefty essays in the space of about an hour and fifteen minutes. The medicines kept making my thoughts go kablooey, so I'm hoping that everything was coherent. It's entirely a hit or miss situation. I produced eight full pages for the professor, so it was either a grand slam or a grand mess. I hope I'll know soon.
If I can finish up the last few projects for the other class, I'll be done for this semester. Then, I'll only have one more to go, and I'll be done, done, blessedly done with these night classes. As enjoyable as it's been to expand my mind and understanding, to be a student instead of a teacher again, having to do the coursework on top of teaching responsibilities has been tough. I'm kind of looking forward to being able to come home in the evening with nothing more taxing ahead of me than reruns and laundry.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
More on the Migraine Front
I went to see my neurologist today, and this just keeps getting stranger and stranger. What I thought was a side effect of the medicine, moments of extreme disconnectedness, are actually a part of my type of migraine. They are migraines without pain.
I've never heard of that. I didn't know that was even possible. I thought a migraine, by definition, included the pain part, but apparently they encompass a whole range of other factors, too, including the "depersonalization" I experience, that feeling of being suddenly separated from what's going on. He's calling it, at least on the paperwork, a "migraine equivalent." I guess I always have to be different....
The doctor said that having the pain part gone with the Topamax is a good step, and that most people continue to improve gradually for up to six months of taking it. I've only been on it about a month so far, and things have gotten a lot better. I only get the headaches or "moments" now when I'm very stressed, and they're not nearly as painful as they used to be. The other medicine he gave me helps me to alleviate most of the pain that remains if I can take it fast enough, too, so maybe I'm finally headed for a solution, no pun intended.
I'm stepping up my medicine for the last time (hopefully) starting tonight, but he said that the side effects shouldn't be as strong this last time. I'm hoping that this will be the last week of being so far off my game and that normalcy, such as it ever is for me, can return. I'm tired of feeling like a debilitated person.
They did take about 12 vials of blood for labwork today after I left his office. He wanted to check various things to make sure that the Topamax isn't causing adverse chemistry changes in my body and that it will be safe for me to resume some other medications that I was taking for another doctor. I gave the phlebotomists a story to tell over lunch.
I hate needles with a passion, and to have to sit there with a needle in long enough to let them fill twelve vials was an effort of great will for me. I got a firm grip on the table in front of me, refused to look behind me where my arm was stretched across another table having the blood taken, and just took deep breaths until it was done. I think they were scared I was going to fall out, but I've done this a lot in my lifetime of various bizarre medical crap, so I know by now how to "be a big girl" and give blood without running away and hiding under or behind various pieces of medical equipment, which is what I'd truly like to be doing instead.
Once the results of the blood work come back, the last big piece of the puzzle should be in place, at least for now. I just keep thinking that everything is going to hit equilibrium at some point. I'm tired of riding the pendulum swing back and forth. I need a little peace and stability.
I've never heard of that. I didn't know that was even possible. I thought a migraine, by definition, included the pain part, but apparently they encompass a whole range of other factors, too, including the "depersonalization" I experience, that feeling of being suddenly separated from what's going on. He's calling it, at least on the paperwork, a "migraine equivalent." I guess I always have to be different....
The doctor said that having the pain part gone with the Topamax is a good step, and that most people continue to improve gradually for up to six months of taking it. I've only been on it about a month so far, and things have gotten a lot better. I only get the headaches or "moments" now when I'm very stressed, and they're not nearly as painful as they used to be. The other medicine he gave me helps me to alleviate most of the pain that remains if I can take it fast enough, too, so maybe I'm finally headed for a solution, no pun intended.
I'm stepping up my medicine for the last time (hopefully) starting tonight, but he said that the side effects shouldn't be as strong this last time. I'm hoping that this will be the last week of being so far off my game and that normalcy, such as it ever is for me, can return. I'm tired of feeling like a debilitated person.
They did take about 12 vials of blood for labwork today after I left his office. He wanted to check various things to make sure that the Topamax isn't causing adverse chemistry changes in my body and that it will be safe for me to resume some other medications that I was taking for another doctor. I gave the phlebotomists a story to tell over lunch.
I hate needles with a passion, and to have to sit there with a needle in long enough to let them fill twelve vials was an effort of great will for me. I got a firm grip on the table in front of me, refused to look behind me where my arm was stretched across another table having the blood taken, and just took deep breaths until it was done. I think they were scared I was going to fall out, but I've done this a lot in my lifetime of various bizarre medical crap, so I know by now how to "be a big girl" and give blood without running away and hiding under or behind various pieces of medical equipment, which is what I'd truly like to be doing instead.
Once the results of the blood work come back, the last big piece of the puzzle should be in place, at least for now. I just keep thinking that everything is going to hit equilibrium at some point. I'm tired of riding the pendulum swing back and forth. I need a little peace and stability.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Rainy Evening
I've written about it before, but the sound of rain on a metal roof is truly one of the most soothing sounds in the world. It's been so dry here, and we've needed the rain to clean and refresh everything, but there's the simple spiritual soothing of being warm, dry, and flannel-pj-clad on a cold and rainy night in late autumn.
Nights like this throw my mind back to nights in Japan when I'd have to ride my bike home in rain. I had a rain suit that kept the worst of the wet out, and I managed to varying degrees of success the art of riding a bike while holding an umbrella, but really nothing helps when you have to ride a bike in the rain. The cold damp drops creep into the bones, the cars full of warm dry people race past, and by the time you can get home, it feels like you'll never be warm or dry again. I would go up the three flights of stairs to my little apaato, turn my tiny heating unit up, and stay in the shower and the deep Japanese bath until I felt myself start to feel less like a block of ice and more like a human being again. Sometimes, I can still feel that chill, like the last bits of snow that stay in deep shade and don't melt.
Having lived through nights like that help me appreciate these other nights, these nights of central heating and easy dryness. When I stepped out of the church tonight, I had only steps to go from sanctuary door to the door of a four-wheeled sanctuary from the rain, and as I watched the leaves drifting down from almost-bare branches in the light of my high beams, I was grateful not to be on that silver five-speed bike trying to get home on a dark November night.
Nights like this throw my mind back to nights in Japan when I'd have to ride my bike home in rain. I had a rain suit that kept the worst of the wet out, and I managed to varying degrees of success the art of riding a bike while holding an umbrella, but really nothing helps when you have to ride a bike in the rain. The cold damp drops creep into the bones, the cars full of warm dry people race past, and by the time you can get home, it feels like you'll never be warm or dry again. I would go up the three flights of stairs to my little apaato, turn my tiny heating unit up, and stay in the shower and the deep Japanese bath until I felt myself start to feel less like a block of ice and more like a human being again. Sometimes, I can still feel that chill, like the last bits of snow that stay in deep shade and don't melt.
Having lived through nights like that help me appreciate these other nights, these nights of central heating and easy dryness. When I stepped out of the church tonight, I had only steps to go from sanctuary door to the door of a four-wheeled sanctuary from the rain, and as I watched the leaves drifting down from almost-bare branches in the light of my high beams, I was grateful not to be on that silver five-speed bike trying to get home on a dark November night.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
New Fridge
Today about 11:00, two delivery men, after disentangling their truck from the cedar tree next to my house, brought a lovely stainless steel, French-door, freezer-on-the-bottom refrigerator to my house and set it up. This replaced a refrigerator that had been in the house since I was a child. I'm guessing the old one is more than twenty years old. It's been a part of this house for as long as I can remember. There have always been a jug of sweet tea and a block of cheddar cheese in it along with whatever other common daily foods and holiday delicacies have passed through it.
I felt ridiculously sentimental to see the old thing loaded up and rolled out. Even though its time had definitely passed and it had started to leak cold water on my floor on a regular basis, somehow it felt like a member of the family leaving. If it hadn't come down to the point of my worrying about coming home to a dead refrigerator, I probably wouldn't have changed it out, but there are some things that it's better to be proactive with.
The new one looks great, and for the first time, I don't have to bend over to see what's in the fridge. I can simply open the door and look. Being so tall, I was always having to just about crawl into the old one, especially when it came to the crisper drawers. This new one has clear drawers and shelves which I think will be good for helping me remember that I have things like apples and carrots before they get nasty.
I find myself just walking through the kitchen and looking at it or just going by and opening one of the doors. I'm sure this fascination will pass, but it's nice to have something new and reliable. I guess every twenty-five years or so, every appliance is entitled to retirement.
I felt ridiculously sentimental to see the old thing loaded up and rolled out. Even though its time had definitely passed and it had started to leak cold water on my floor on a regular basis, somehow it felt like a member of the family leaving. If it hadn't come down to the point of my worrying about coming home to a dead refrigerator, I probably wouldn't have changed it out, but there are some things that it's better to be proactive with.
The new one looks great, and for the first time, I don't have to bend over to see what's in the fridge. I can simply open the door and look. Being so tall, I was always having to just about crawl into the old one, especially when it came to the crisper drawers. This new one has clear drawers and shelves which I think will be good for helping me remember that I have things like apples and carrots before they get nasty.
I find myself just walking through the kitchen and looking at it or just going by and opening one of the doors. I'm sure this fascination will pass, but it's nice to have something new and reliable. I guess every twenty-five years or so, every appliance is entitled to retirement.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Top Five Wishes for the Holidays
As I'm thumbing through magazines and facing the monumental task of trying to figure out what the heck to get my family and friends for Christmas, I was sort of facetiously making a list of what I want for the holidays for myself. If anybody is looking for a gift for old Cygnus this year, here are my top five:
1) Plane Tickets -- To where you ask? Any-freakin'-where-not-here, and that includes central Alabama, eastern Minnesota, Northern Alaska, and other non-touristy destinations. Actually, if the fairy godmother was coming around with the magic wand, I think I'd like tickets to either England or Japan. Right. I'm sure she'll get right on that.
2) A Dodge Charger -- loaded, dark blue, a minimum of chrome, with the BIG Hemi, please. Go ahead and stuff the glove box full of cash for the inevitable speeding tickets, too, probably.
3) Diamond studs -- No chips for me. I want at least a half carat per ear. If I can't get a ring on the finger, I'll wear those diamonds in my ears.
4 and 5) I'm willing to use up two positions on the wishlist for this one last impossible dream: The mythical tall, smart, funny, faithful, Christian guy who reads, speaks at least one other language, likes to travel, and is possibly even from another country altogether. If Santa can swing this one, he can keep all the other stuff on my wish list.
1) Plane Tickets -- To where you ask? Any-freakin'-where-not-here, and that includes central Alabama, eastern Minnesota, Northern Alaska, and other non-touristy destinations. Actually, if the fairy godmother was coming around with the magic wand, I think I'd like tickets to either England or Japan. Right. I'm sure she'll get right on that.
2) A Dodge Charger -- loaded, dark blue, a minimum of chrome, with the BIG Hemi, please. Go ahead and stuff the glove box full of cash for the inevitable speeding tickets, too, probably.
3) Diamond studs -- No chips for me. I want at least a half carat per ear. If I can't get a ring on the finger, I'll wear those diamonds in my ears.
4 and 5) I'm willing to use up two positions on the wishlist for this one last impossible dream: The mythical tall, smart, funny, faithful, Christian guy who reads, speaks at least one other language, likes to travel, and is possibly even from another country altogether. If Santa can swing this one, he can keep all the other stuff on my wish list.
Emergency Room
There's something about going to the hospital that suspends reality. Time stops. No matter whether one is inside for a few minutes or a few days, that same feeling of dazed disorientation has to be overcome.
Mom called me yesterday about 8:00 to say that she was feeling nauseous and had been hurting off and on the night before with what the doctor had told her was probably a kidney stone. She felt like she needed to go on to the emergency room to get checked out, so I went and got her. We spent the next six hours in one of Podunk's big medical facilities waiting on results.
They did x-rays, scans, EKGs, and ran all manner of tests only to tell her that they thought it was some sort of deep muscle pull caused by her doing too much heavy labor in the yard, something that of course, she's right back out there doing today. Her nausea abated, and by the time we stumbled out into the parking lot again, things were fine. Sitting in that tiny exam room was surreal, though.
Mom and I did have a chance to sit and talk for awhile. It seems like it takes some sort of crisis for us to do that these days, which is not a good thing. After everything was over, we had lunch in the hospital cafeteria, and I took her home. I got back home by about 3, but it seemed like I'd been gone for days. We always have some weird stuff during Thanksgiving. I hope this is it for this year.
Mom called me yesterday about 8:00 to say that she was feeling nauseous and had been hurting off and on the night before with what the doctor had told her was probably a kidney stone. She felt like she needed to go on to the emergency room to get checked out, so I went and got her. We spent the next six hours in one of Podunk's big medical facilities waiting on results.
They did x-rays, scans, EKGs, and ran all manner of tests only to tell her that they thought it was some sort of deep muscle pull caused by her doing too much heavy labor in the yard, something that of course, she's right back out there doing today. Her nausea abated, and by the time we stumbled out into the parking lot again, things were fine. Sitting in that tiny exam room was surreal, though.
Mom and I did have a chance to sit and talk for awhile. It seems like it takes some sort of crisis for us to do that these days, which is not a good thing. After everything was over, we had lunch in the hospital cafeteria, and I took her home. I got back home by about 3, but it seemed like I'd been gone for days. We always have some weird stuff during Thanksgiving. I hope this is it for this year.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Top Gear
I have become hooked on Top Gear. If you've never seen it, it's on BBC America, and although it's primarily a car show, it's also hilarious. They do some huge project each week involving a bad idea and motor vehicles. The two episodes tonight had a convertible minivan that wound up catching fire when they took it through a car wash and homemade limousines. I've also seen episodes where they did amphibious vehicles and a tractor competition. It's a riot. Their projects almost never work, and the results are almost always guaranteed to be disasters. I also love the speed tests. They have some of the world's fastest cars being tested. I'd love even to stand near some of those cars just for the adrenaline rush. Just looking at them on the screen makes my little muscle car loving soul drool. Basically, if you like cars and humor, check out Top Gear. You won't be unamused.
Casablanca
TCM really did me in tonight. They had The Philadelphia Story on and then followed it up with Casablanca, so it's after midnight, and I'm still watching. Both movies are favorites of mine, but has there ever really been anything that compares to Casablanca?
I'll never forget the first time I saw it. IU had a free film series called City Lights that showed classic movies on the big screen, and my friends and I used to go see them. I got to see several wonderful old films that way, and Casablanca was one of them. I wish Podunk would revive its wonderful old movie palace downtown and show some of these great films there. Seeing Casablanca on that big screen, as is the case with any film, really made a difference.
There have been too many wise words written about it for me to add anything worth saying except my admiration. Every time I see it, the film just gets better and better. It's like a gem held in a strong light; facets sparkle and come to attention as it turns.
One of my favorite moments in the film comes when the German troops are singing some anthem loudly in Rick's while all the other patrons are very silent and sad. Then suddenly, Lazlo hurries down the stairs, strikes up Rick's band into the French national anthem, and and the entire cafe rises and sings. As the camera pans across the faces, tears are in their eyes, even the eyes of the cafe girl Yvette who has been dating a German officer. Eventually the Nazis are completely drowned out, and they stop singing altogether. It's a powerful moment.
Uh-oh....TCM just announced the next film: North by Northwest. I need sleep, but it's Cary Grant and Hitchcock......
I'll never forget the first time I saw it. IU had a free film series called City Lights that showed classic movies on the big screen, and my friends and I used to go see them. I got to see several wonderful old films that way, and Casablanca was one of them. I wish Podunk would revive its wonderful old movie palace downtown and show some of these great films there. Seeing Casablanca on that big screen, as is the case with any film, really made a difference.
There have been too many wise words written about it for me to add anything worth saying except my admiration. Every time I see it, the film just gets better and better. It's like a gem held in a strong light; facets sparkle and come to attention as it turns.
One of my favorite moments in the film comes when the German troops are singing some anthem loudly in Rick's while all the other patrons are very silent and sad. Then suddenly, Lazlo hurries down the stairs, strikes up Rick's band into the French national anthem, and and the entire cafe rises and sings. As the camera pans across the faces, tears are in their eyes, even the eyes of the cafe girl Yvette who has been dating a German officer. Eventually the Nazis are completely drowned out, and they stop singing altogether. It's a powerful moment.
Uh-oh....TCM just announced the next film: North by Northwest. I need sleep, but it's Cary Grant and Hitchcock......
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