Up and Down

I have my surgery date.  Let's just say the week of Thanksgiving won't be much fun for me.

I am going up and down with this.  Mostly, I just stay as busy as possible.  That's easy to do with as much as there is to get done before the surgery.  There are school things.  House things.  Shopping things.  Pet things.  Every time I sit down and look at one of my "to do" lists, it seems I'm adding as much as I'm crossing out. I'm hoping that I'll hit a tipping point with it soon.

But what if I do?  Then I'll have time to...think....

Since the doctor ruled out cancer, some of the worst of my nightmares have abated, but I am still an emotional mess if I don't run myself ragged and fall down at the end of it.  Stupid commercials make me cry.  Facebook statuses make me cry.  Yesterday, a freaking doughnut made me cry.

If you don't know me, you might not understand the depths of my hatred for this lack of control.  I always keep it locked down.  Always.  Lately, I just can't.

I keep thinking about life post-surgery.  There's dread for the whole process of having to learn how to walk upright - AGAIN.  There's that nauseous anticipation of the day of with the needles and the waking up after in pain and sick from the anesthesia.  There's all that time out of class.

And then there are the things I can't write about, can't talk about, don't even want to think about, all the things that...won't be.

(turning away from that path right now)

Tonight, though, it's still ahead of me.  I had some awesomely spicy turkey chili, and my Dad brought me a doughnut (which did not make me cry this time).  My dear old cat Yoda is curled up behind me in her little purple sweater, and I'm curled up under the afghan my grandmother made so long ago.  I'm almost warm for the first time today since I woke up, and in just a short time, I'll go let unconsciousness sweep over me.

Tomorrow, I will get up running, fortify myself with coffee, shield myself with busyness, and do what has to be done.

What else is there?