To weep is to make less the depth of grief. ~William Shakespeare, King Henry the Sixth
I haven't been keeping up with this very well this week. Just another stone of guilt and obligation around my neck, and I'm already so weighed down that I can barely stand it. I am almost at my break-and-run stage. I am so burned out from trying to be all things to all people.
I'm tired of trying to get all the stupid limbs out of my yard. I'm tired of constantly dragging them only to find that I haven't really made any progress at all. I'm tired of seeing the tops of the pines lying in the middle of my circle drive and knowing that I have neither the tools nor the strength needed to get them moved.
I'm tired of trying to keep my house immaculate. My floors need the vacuum, my tub needs to be scrubbed, and I need to sweep my porches. I need to dust, polish, and mop. I can't keep up with all of it.
I'm tired of trying to be a perfect teacher. I'm tired of the weight of fourteen sets of papers dragging at my shoulder every day when I leave school. I'm tired of putting together my best efforts and it not mattering at all.
I'm tired of coming home to a dark and empty house. I'm tired of having to do everything all by myself, including picking myself up when I feel like this, and I'm mortally tired of pasting the socially-acceptable smile on my face and pretending that everything is okay so nobody has to worry about me. I'm tired of being the shoulder that's cried on and never having anyone to turn to myself. I'm tired of all the circle closing and me being on the outside everytime.
I guess this is going to be my form of venting, and tomorrow, I'll probably have all this back under control, but right now, I just can't juggle these balls any more. If there's no entry for a few days, it's because this is one thing I can drop from my daily routine without huge effects. I'm just sick and tired and in need of an extended holiday.
I am sad to hear of your frustration, but its good you can get it out. Sometimes just "naming" the crappy annoyances starts the fix.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure this will make you feel any better but I wrote something about your journal in mine.
to what end
I'm old enough to be the Dancing Fool's mother, but we share a sense of place and history. She writes so well and after just a short time reading there, I happily anticipate her happiness, well-being and life saga. She has mature qualities I see blossoming in Jenny (my daughter)--love of family, loyalty, dedication, genuine interest in others, depth of interests, steadfastness. I like her.