Bad Dreams

I have been having bad dreams lately. I don't know what's triggered them, but I hope they dissolve soon. They're the kind that hover around even after waking, leaving a trace on the day like the smell of burnt toast.

It may be because I've felt so bad physically the past two days with headaches, etc. That should be done, now, though, and tomorrow should get me back into whatever passes for "healthy" for me. Some of that residue of discomfort may be bleeding into my nighttime world.

Normally the Topamax keeps me from remembering anything whatsoever about my dreams. Before I started taking it, I always had vivid and bizarre dreams fit for sci-fi movie scripts, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always detailed and rich. This is just another thing along with precision in language that Topamax strips away.

Right now, I don't know whether this dream muting is a blessing or a curse. The pieces I recall include the usual gamut of daily life fragments being filed -- people I know, events and objects of the day -- but also things, people, and places I know nothing of bathed in that golden slant of light that's only seen in dreams. That unknown guy with the intense blue eyes and the long-fingered hands is back lurking in the corners again, not really menacing, but a confusing stock character who shows up like someone I'm supposed to recognize. Sometimes I almost think I do. I am probably a Freudian delight if somebody with some expertise in dream interpretation cared to sit down and analyze this crap.

Of course, all of this unrest (literally) is most probably because I have no schedule and because I feel so useless right now in my activities. I hope soon I'll be able to get out of the house and do more on my own. This constant dependency on others is taking its toll. Not all the happy readings, comedies, or songs in the world can make up for the feeling of independence.