Today I had to play the organ for our church's Homecoming Sunday since our regular organist had guard drill this weekend. That would have been enough stress, but when I arrived to practice, the sanctuary was full of people so I couldn't practice, and my music director forgot to tell me about one of the choir specials I needed to be able to play. I immediately felt those twinges that in the past have meant a migraine is about to descend from above like the hammer of the gods.
No headache came. Instead, I suddenly had a Topamax moment instead. The lights had pretty little halos surrounding them that shimmered. The notes on the page, when my mind was actually conscious of scanning them, were meaningless spots of printer's ink. My hands, thank God, moved independently of my stricken brain, and as far as I know, everything went well. Everyone seemed to like the offertory, the only portion of the service other than prelude and postlude where I perform alone, so God got me through another one.
After the service, my aunt, our pianist, came over to talk to me, and she found out that I was taking Topamax. She also takes it, and she gave me the most appropriate name for it that I've yet heard: Stupamax. It makes me feel stupefied and act stupidly, so I think that's my new favorite name.
I have a theory about the drug that I'm going to fly by my doctor next time I see him. It seems like anytime I would normally be having a migraine, I get the "stupids" instead. I don't know if that's just a coincidence, or if that's the way this is going to work. Maybe it's just revealing the stupid that was hiding behind the thin veneer...who knows?
Because I'm such a technophile, I tend to make analogies equating my brain to a computer quite frequently. When the Topamax kicks in, it feels like my brain has "too many windows open" or something. Today, the image of a little pop-up warning me that my virtual memory was running too low kept threatening to make me giggle in the middle of the sermon while I was staring at the sparkly chandeliers in the sanctuary.
I'm trying to have a sense of humor about this, but sometimes, especially days like today when mental acuity was needed, it's really not all that funny. Although, I guess if you were watching me weave back and forth on the organ bench, it might have been quite a laugh.
Hey
ReplyDeleteU was reesarching topamax the drug that my fiance is on whenI came across your blog. We are new to this, he take it for seizures which he started having four years ago. I was interested in what you had to say because I find that he acts so silly. Nothing is taken seriously for more than 20 min and then everything is funny. At time he has what we call "black out" moments when all he does is sit there and smile, he says that he can hear you speaking to him but he is so into his thoughts or visions that he is non responsive. He sometimes moves his hnds with out realizing and its scary because from the outside looking in ou don't know when he does start to speak if its real or imaginary...know what I mean? His ne neuro suggests keppra now but I am so tired of the lack of motivation and the lack of seriousness, now the seizures have stopped but I don't know if he'll ever be productive. He is smart with a bachelor's degree and a trade in barbera school. With me in the Airforce I'm afraid to leave him for long periods of time but some one has to be the adult. But I really connected with your story. He has only been on this one month and it has drastically slowed down the pace of our once fast paced lives