Choosing

I feel a little sick right now.  It will pass, and I did the right thing, but I need this moment.  I just gave up a trip to England over Spring Break  by taking my AP Reading money to pay my bills.  Sometimes I really, really hate the way I live.

That's not fair, though, I guess.  I get so many good things from it, but the real bitter edge of it is that I didn't even get all the bills paid.  The money just evaporated like water on hot pavement, a mist and then gone.  I could have continued to play "Hear no, See no, Speak no" with my finances and put the money into that trip, and a very big part of me wanted to do it.  I cannot lie.  That's no way to live, though.  I have hospital bills I need to pay, one fairly hefty credit card I hack at on a regular basis, my modest mortgage, and then the monster of school debt leaning on me, as big as what I owe for my house.  How could I just play like there was no other use for that money?

I took a little of it, bought a couple of things I really wanted, and then put the rest into plugging some of the worst of the leaks.  It won't fix the holes in my roof.  It won't bring me back to a point of everything-is-level-and-balanced again, but it helped.  And this sick feeling will go.

I think it's time to go do something else for a little while.