Blue

Sadness is almost never anything but a form of fatigue. ~Andre Gide
"Oh, had I wings I would fly away and be at rest..." "Ecstasy" Traditional Spiritual

Blue again. Shimmering in my ears are the notes of Ella and Billie to accompany the rain falling outside. It's not the rain that brought this on. I love the rain.

Maybe it's the upcoming reunion, my 15th. I've almost decided not to go, and since it's Saturday, I think I'm about out of time to change my mind. I can't bear the thought of having to have the same brief conversation about being single with no kids over and over again with all those married and fecund people and seeing that blank, vaguely pitying stare. No matter what I think of the choices I've made in my life, I just know it's not going to quite measure up to four hours of that. I have no pictures of my toddlers to show off. I have no "precious" stories to share about toilet training or pregnancy. I don't even have an engagement ring or a steady boyfriend to take.

I need to get out of here. More and more, I feel the bars of my cage pressing down on me, especially when I hear from friends living in other places. Only my job and my family keep me here. I just keep staring up at the sky, ruffling my feathers in frustration and indecision and pretending that I don't remember what it was like to fly.