Dreams Again and Other Fun Stuff

A massive migraine yesterday equaled dreams last night of a horrid nature.  I actually had to email somebody today to check in on him just to make sure he was okay after one of them.  All the backgrounds were grey, rundown, and gothic.  Everybody in them was in despair.  My head right now is not a particularly happy place to be, I guess.

Aside from the always joyous wonder that is my job (students not included), I found out that my father is going to have major surgery in about a week and a half.  The blockage in his leg that they were going to bypass right before he had his heart attack has reached a critical point.  He's been on Plavix, though, and will continue to be, I suppose, for the rest of his life, so the surgery has not been an option until now because he will have to come off it to have the surgery, and they don't want him to come off it.  Pain and fear about circulation in the leg have outweighed the dangers of what having him off the Plavix long enough to do it and the dangers of doing the surgery itself and the recovery for a diabetic are, apparently, so he's getting ready.  All those finely meshed wheels of the hospital system have started to turn.

I'm scared to death.  I hate being afraid.  There's nothing that relieves it.  So, my head cramps, seizes, pounds.  I have nightmares.  I exercise the most rigid of mental protocols when it comes to future events, stopping myself from thinking about them, essentially.  There is no future past next Monday when I can manage it.  When I can't, well.  I suppose that's what there's Maxalt for.

Added to all this is the usual exotic cocktail of stupidity and uncertainty at work including less money in my paycheck now because of the tightened belt everyone everywhere is feeling.  Is it any wonder, then, that I want to run screaming through the darkness of the night, want to take up my shinai and hit something until there are nothing but bamboo shards left, want to curl into a ball under a warm, soft, old quilt where it's safe.  I miss that, sometimes.  I miss there being a place where it's safe.  Where did all the safe places go?