So Be It

Epiphanies come in weird places. I had two today, one standing in my own living room and one crossing a night-cold street outside a local restaurant.  Actually, I suppose they could more rightly be called two stages of the same thing, or a proclamation and an affirmation, perhaps...  I wonder if anybody ever has them in light-bathed aisles of religious institutions or places where choruses of angels sing.  My moments of startling clarity always seem to come when I'm driving in construction traffic or while I'm pushing a cart around Wal-Mart.  I have to pause, laugh or cry, take whatever new knowledge comes, and go on.

Today's little revelation was liberating.  It was a little bitter, too, and maybe, just maybe a little bit of something that was still malleable inside me was finally hammered into its final shape.  Overall, though, I'm surprisingly fine, or at least I will be, I think. I'm just going to lay aside something that is useless to me, a hope I have been keeping shiny and well-hidden.  I'm not going to polish it up any more.  I think the thought of laying it down at last, of not trying to use my cuffs and hankies to keep it clean and shiny is actually a relief.  I am not made for this thing.  That's going to be okay.

It's amazing that I'm still becoming.  Every time I think I know what I am and who I am, something shifts, something changes, and I realize that I am changing, too.  And, maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be.  Maybe we should worry if we don't change, if we don't have sudden moments of unease, if the way grows to smooth and predictable.

Therefore, so be it.  This new truth isn't particularly comfortable, but then again, truth rarely promises to be.  That doesn't mean I don't need to look it in the eye, extend my hand, and give it welcome.