The Need for Courage

I need more courage.  For some things, I am fearless. I am not afraid to go to new places, to move to new countries by myself, to live alone.   For others, I can conquer what fear I do have and go forward into whatever consequences there are. I don't fear confrontation, at least not usually, and I have (famously or notoriously) no problem expressing my opinions in word or speech.   For others, though, for the things that probably matter the most, I cannot seem to break out of patterns I established so long ago.  It's the simple personal interactions that scare me stiff.

How do I repattern myself?  I ask myself that question over and over again.  I have friends who are truly bold, who have gone out and who have grasped those things they want with both triumphant hands.  I continue to sit in my tower and watch, afraid. And don't tell me, "Carpe Diem."  Don't tell me, "What's it going to hurt to try?" 

In the moments when I'm faced with those situations, it's like I'm back on top of that tall tower in Wales again, hooked to that rappelling harness again.  I want to do it, I want to go down the side, but I am frozen, unable to trust in the equipment I have.  That decision didn't feel nearly as hard as some others I wind up in, as some of the situations I've been in lately, even.

Maybe someday when it's really important,  I will have the courage it takes.  Maybe that will be the only thing that really matters and I can be forgiven for all my fear if I can conquer it in that one shining moment. I hope that day comes.