Dark Phase

Too much lately.  This is not a happy place.  Click away if you're looking for a rhapsody on autumn sun or one of my tried-and-true geek philosophical excursions. 

My uncle is in the hospital.  They're not exactly sure what's wrong with him.  I hate that.  Why the hell don't they know?  Why is it that as I've gotten older it seems that this is what I hear more and more frequently whenever anyone I know has to deal with medical science?  Was it always this way and I didn't notice?  As I child, I think we're taught to trust that medicine has all the answers, that they are omniscient.  I'm beginning to wonder just how often they're playing "the blind men and the elephant" with things behind that clean white surface.  Of course, that may be all anybody can do, and I'm grateful for the care he receives, but it's frustrating.  Very frustrating.

I need some big happy thing.  Some big stupid impossible cinematic happy thing.  Right now, my joy is very far away.  I've found out bad things about people I truly thought well of, been told a story about a woman who finally found love at the age of 65 only to have her husband die two weeks after the marriage, and am watching a situation I care about a great deal spiral out of control.  Grades are due tomorrow and I'm so far away from having things ready to finish them out that it's almost a comedy routine. Tomorrow will start another week where every human imaginable wants me to be in three places at once.  Would that I could clone myself or that I came in triple form..... 

I am trying to combat this as best I can with little joys, with small pleasures, but increasingly, they are not enough.  This is no eclipse; this is shift to the dark phase of the moon.  One of my friends asked me if I wanted to talk about it.  I laughed.  What is there to say?  Why should I burden her with it?  I'm tired.  I have things going on that I don't know how to resolve.  I'm not going to make somebody else carry this when it's so heavy for me.