A Fantasy on Why My Car Might Have Cost $536.00 to Repair

The Cruiser went to the shop for a day of needed repair, and the bill, when I got it back this afternoon, was about $536.00. The notations on the printed invoice showed that actual parts were only about $45.00 of the total bill. Everything else was labor. This then is my attempt to inject a bit of levity as I try to imagine how a part worth $45 might have needed that much labor to install. (I am, for the record, completely, totally, and utterly, in the wrong freakin' business....)

1) They had to use specialized equipment to shrink the mechanic to one fifth his normal size enabling him then to crawl inside the vehicle and do the repair that way. No regular-sized mechanic can do this repair.

2) Special tools had to be crafted by the gang of fairy elves they keep on staff just for repairs of this nature. These tools can only be used once and are forged of starlight and the tears of maidens during rituals that take hours and hours on nights of the full moon. This was of course included in the huge labor total.

3) Time actually had to be slowed to allow the repair to be done. Since it was the "timing chain" that had to be replaced, a temporal shift was necessary, and although the rest of us weren't aware of it, they worked for four frantic days to ensure the chain that keeps all of time and space from collapsing in on itself was properly in place so the universe could be safe again.

4) Seventeen sanctified holy men fasted and prayed for thirteen days in preparation for this repair, chanting over the tools and purifying them with water drawn from a deep mountain spring untouched by human hands. The sweat and fervor of their dedication ensured that the old timing chain could pass from this world into the next without causing harm to anyone else and also with a sense of peace and accomplishment that will allow it to come back in its next incarnation as something higher and better, perhaps a master cylinder or a fuel pump. This, though, was not a part of the bill. The cost of cooking for the celebratory meal they will feast upon tonight was the labor charge.

5) Timing chains are wily, and they don't easily or gladly relinquish their position. The damage a timing chain can do makes a Bengal tiger look friendly and cuddly in comparison. They have to be hunted, stalked, knife-between-the-teeth, and one wrong move could mean total annihilation for an entire team of crack mechanics no matter how well they have been trained or equipped for the chase. Really, who could put a price on such a dangerous mission?

And...although I could go on, I think I'll stop there. At least I laughed. That's something I suppose. It was an expensive giggle though....