Change Required

I got up this morning, put on comfortable clothes, and headed in to the doctor's office.  On the way to town, I heard about the earthquake in Japan.  Instantly, my heart was in my throat.  All anybody would say at first was that there had been a massive quake and tsunami.  They wouldn't say where.  They didn't say anything about Japan except that Tokyo was in disarray.  I couldn't get any news that didn't relate to how the mostly Japan-event was about to impact the United States.  The mighty giant was once again busy gazing at its own navel.  I know the wave was headed this way, but it had already happened there.  There are people here with loved ones there.  Would it have been so much to have shown us Japan, too?

My new neurologist is wonderful, just as calming and personable as my old one was.  It's comforting when you're dealing with things to do with the inner working of your brain to have someone like that. I hope I can stay with this one.  When my last doctor had his stroke and had to leave the practice, it was such a loss.

During the appointment, I had a couple of other unexpected pieces of news awaiting me.  One was a relief.  He believes the thing I saw in the cafeteria that day was a different kind of aura.  Since I see halos around lights anyway before onset, and since I had such a severe headache that afternoon, he thinks it was not anything to be overly concerned about.  He said he has patients who see things like that frequently.  I hope I never do again.  I do not want to see things that are not really present.

The other two things were not good.  My blood pressure was quite high.  Of course, I was stressed out, both because of the problems in Japan and not knowing and because of being in the doctor's office.  Even with all that, it should not have been that high.  I am afraid that it is just running high now all the time.  He told me to buy a blood pressure cuff and keep track of it.  Now I have stress because I'm worried about my blood pressure being high which is going to make my damn blood pressure high.  I am not fond of this acronym, but it fits so perfectly here:  FML.

He ordered blood tests and a new MRI since I haven't had one since 2007, so they'll roll me up inside the claustrophobia tube, let the monkeys bang their tin drums, and see if there's anything rattling around inside my empty skull this coming Friday.  He gave me some drugs so I won't care that I'm basically in a big cylindrical coffin with a mask on.  I barely remember last time.  I think I slept through the whole thing.  I know Mom had to drive me.  Somebody will have to take me this time, too.  Whatever pill he wrote me a scrip for will probably make me too goofy to drive; everything does, really.  I have no tolerance to anything.

The second piece of news was that he is upping my Topamax, doubling it.  I remember all too well the last time I was getting used to a new dosage.  It made me sleepy, nauseous, sick, disoriented, a real festival of joy.  I don't know if I will have those problems or not since I already have the stuff in my system.  I guess we'll see starting tonight.

He talked to me about stress being a trigger.  I have to do something to decrease the amount of stress in my life or this is going to keep happening to me and my health; all my health is going to get worse.  My GP is worried about this, too.  I just wish I knew how.  So many things seem to be so far out of my ability to change.  I feel dazed.  I want to run away, but I can't.  What do I do now?  I know I have to resolve it all myself, but I could use a little deus ex machina right now in the worst way....