And the Other Side of the Coin

(assuming you read the previous poem post first)

....is an incredibly hard-to-fight and largely-self-destructive tendency to do something really very stupid.  

I call it the F-You syndrome. (edited for television, you understand)  When I'm trying to get over something or someone, I get this really defiant streak of idiocy that takes over my normal staid sense of self-control.  I get the urge to do foolish things.  

I listen to all my music too loud, drive too fast, "thread-the-needle" on the interstate just a little too often, and if that were all, I would probably be okay.

But I start thinking thoughts that will get me in serious crap, too.  Thoughts like, "Okay.  To hell with it.  I am done sitting in this ivory tower waiting.  Love is for songs and fairy tales, and I don't live in either one.  And I'm bored.  Very bored.  And Louisville is a town full of college students.  Lots of very cute guys who are both intelligent enough to know what a book is and also that there is life in the universe....."  

This is what the F-You syndrome does.  It makes me stupid.  I do not want a college guy diversion, even if they might be fun to play with.  That's a waste of time.  Pretty toys always are, regrettably.  There's also the fact that undergraduate college guys are waaaay too young.  As in ickishly so. As in Humbert-Humbertishly so.  As in "honey, you're adorable, but I actually have t-shirts, paperbacks, stuffed animals older than you" so.  

Don't misunderstand me.  I think love has nothing to do with age.  I think two people can fall in love and an age difference between them can mean nothing.  My grandfather was 16 years older than my grandmother; my cousin is MUCH younger than his wife.  When you find the person that you have everything in common with, that's the person you need, and everything else is just details.  And I do believe in love, do want love actually.  Fervently.  It's why I am so wound up right now, why I've been so sad lately.....

But I'm not talking about love right now.  I'm talking about stupidity. And for that, you need somebody closer to your own age.  Grad students....now that might be a different kettle of fish...

And the F-You syndrome has reasserted itself just that fast.

It's how I wound up with T.  (Not one of my better choices.)  I knew I was moving too fast with him, knew I was making stupid choices, but I just kept saying, "So? Who cares? It's not serious," and taking one more step forward, and one more, and one more.... And so I wound up with the Samurai wanting his head on a damn plate and unable to get it because he's so much better with a shinai than I am.  Crash-Burn.  Face/Palm.

It's not just interesting relationship choices, either.  This might be the year I finally come home with the tattoo I've been planning for so many years. 

You see how it goes?

Hopefully, I will channel this recklessness out soon and harmlessly, find a lightning rod of some kind.  Otherwise, well, I've survived it before.  And that is how cautionary tales are collected, I suppose.  At least I'll have something interesting to blog.  And as Emerson would have it, I'll have some new wisdom from it, perhaps, to keep me from doing something similar next time.