Immortals (or, What the Cornbread HELL Were They Thinking?)

I am teaching a course in mythology at long last, and so I've sort of gotten interested in filmed versions of the Greek tales.  Tonight, I was flipping through my Netflix queue, and I noticed that I had, at some point, dumped Immortals in.  I'd had a good supper of breakfast (work that out....I'll wait...), and so I was ready to brave it.  After all, one of the world's most gorgeous men is in it, Henry Cavill.  (Don't believe me on that?  Okay.  Here...  Also, you have made him angry.)

I mean.  Really.  Shouldn't this alone make for a good movie?  The whole concept for awhile there seemed to be mostly unclothed Henry.  Any film with this as its main premise should be good.  Right?

Oh, hell-to-the-no.  Tarsim Singh's yellow filter and slow motion shot privileges need to be revoked immediately.  I don't know exactly whom to call about this, but I'm looking into it.  Not everything needs to look like saffron rice.  Not every kill (and my GOD but there were a lot of them)  needed to flip over in the air and spray a fountain of blood that fell drop by drop with a big "bawwwww" noise in the background when it happened.

And then there was what was so laughably called a plot.  I don't care where it came from.  If you're going to have a character named Theseus, he should do "Theseus-y" things.  Okay.  So there was sort of a labyrinth   There was sort of a Minotaur.  Sort of.

The thing that kills me is that the real story, the one you can find a summary of in your handy-dandy copy of Edith Hamilton is SO GOOD.  Why would you need to crap it up with a bunch of stuff that you STOLE...um...borrowed from other myths, other cultures, etc.  There's a reason we've been telling these stories for thousands of years folks....

It's not like there weren't some good actors in it, too.  The aforementioned Henry Cavill is good in everything I've seen him in.  He personally wasn't bad in this.  Since there were only about twenty lines of dialog total interspersed between all the slo-mo and yellowness, it's a bit hard to hold him responsible for this.  And he is so pretty...

Okay.  Okay.  I'll stop.

The highlight of the whole thing to me was Zeus.  The portrayal of the Olympian gods was actually fairly cool.  Their costumes were...interesting...but I liked the idea of them changing forms because they were perennially young and beautiful.  I mean you read it, but it doesn't sink in.  I had that moment when Athena was talking to Zeus at the beginning and told him now that she'd seen him in his "old man" disguise, he looked more like a father.  When he wasn't wearing the disguise, his behavior might have been paternal, but his appearance wasn't.  I never really considered that before.

I also would have loved to have known more about this "we're leaving mankind ALONE" mantra Zeus was singing.  The Greek gods I am familiar with could not be farther from this.  They hang out with, romance, support, hinder, kill off, and impregnate mortals like it's their full-time job.  Most especially, Zeus.  Hmm.....were we getting all philosopho-religious-new-agey there?

All in all, I think there should have been more Zeus.  His character felt like it had the potential to be fantastic, but instead, Singh wanted more scenes with oddly-painted, fantastically-costumed (what WAS that on the Oracle and her Sisters' heads?  Lampshades?  Am I wrong?), and dismembered people.  Oh, and more streams of blood.  I bet there was a "blood boy" on hand to splash it about upon demand.  I didn't stop to look that up in the credits, but I bet it's there.  Maybe two, even.

Sigh.  Yeah.  I'll stop.  I've made Zeus cry.  I'm a bad, bad person.

So.  It wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but I definitely think it's not a "do-over."  Maybe if I hadn't gone into it expecting a movie about Theseus to be....well...about Theseus, I would have liked it better.  I know.  The ultimate social movie gaffe.  Consider my face red.