Two by Two

"The animals, the animals,
they went in by twosies, twosies...
e-le-phants and kanga-roosies, roosies,
children of the Lord..."
-- Children's song

Sometimes I feel like I'm outside of life looking in, a grubby urchin with my nose pressed up against the relationship bakery window.

All my friends have gone in, two by two, neat as the animals filing into Noah's ark. I keep shuffling my feet near the entrance, but my mate never shows up. Why is that? In the last 5 years, I've seen all my local friends marry and have kids. I've always thought of it as circles closing. They complete each other as they marry, and the completion grows with each child, but there's no space in the circle for the outsiders.

My friends have not excluded me or ignored me. It's just hard to be the only single in a group of marrieds. I feel conspicuous at gatherings, and pathetic at the holidays. I don't have anybody to hold hands with at the movies or to bring me asprin when my head aches. When we have a dinner party, I prepare alone. There's no one left in the house but my cats when everyone leaves. When I come home, the house is dark, and the bed is cold.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. Being single has allowed me to do things I never could have done with a spouse, and certainly not with a child. Alone has never bothered me. Sometimes, though, I just feel like the door to the ark is swinging shut, and I'm just standing around waiting for the mate who will never come.