Why the blog changed name

"We're all fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." -- Japanese proverb

Today has been one of the worst days I've had in a long, long time. It started with more of the bizarre dreams that have been haunting me lately and the sound of a ringing cell phone. It turns out that my landlines weren't working. In the process of trying to find out why, my call was routed to somewhere in Georgia and I became late leaving the house.

Whenever I leave late, I feel rushed and badly put together for the rest of the day. Fortunately, I had prepared the things I needed for today's classes during yesterday's work time. Classes came in, and the day rolled on.

I should probably say, the day rolled on down the hill toward the sewage lagoon at the bottom. I had a student break down crying in class (outside personal stuff), and the number of students who just won't do their homework even for a daily effort grade is legion. At lunch, a coworker displayed her rudest and most selfish side. I disliked her already, but now I can hardly stand to look at her. During my planning period, I had to wrangle with the print plant to try to find out where the test I sent to them at the beginning of the week (and that I need for tomorrow) might be. It won't, of course, be delivered until tomorrow at about 8:30...probably. I stayed after school and made some copies. A brief check of email revealed a snippy letter demanding more jumping through of hoops from the organization I'm working with.

All of this I probably could have endured if not for the call to the phone company. It turns out that they had cut my phone off because I was late with a payment. The matter is resolved, but I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. I couldn't believe it. I've always paid my bills. I usually pay them on time, but even if they're running a little past the due date, I've never just skipped one. I couldn't believe it! That took all the energy I had in reserve, and I basically sleepwalked the rest of the day.

After school, I got out as fast as humanly possible. I went to get my hair cut, which was a plus, but I'm so tired and just sad and sick that I couldn't enjoy it. Once I left the salon, I grabbed a stuffed potato from one of my favorite local restaurants and came home. I had the radio off in the car, and I'm so soul-sick that I can't even stand the thought of talking.

I have always loved the quote that starts this entry. It's my email signature, and I have a tiny jointed dancing fool necklace that I wear from time to time. Since the first time I saw it, I've felt it to be deeply true. We all have elements of the absurd about us, and any pretension we add just increases it ten fold. We might as well enjoy the movement of our bodies, be the people we truly are, do the things that make us happy. I have just enough wisdom to know that I am a fool no matter what I do.

As I was driving home, I decided to sit down and try to channel some of the blackness out of my soul. I changed clothes when I got home. It's an odd habit I have of trying to get everything associated with a bad day as far away from me as possible. While changing, I glanced at a mirror and saw the silver dancing fool charm. Today, I realized that I have been dancing all day long, but not the dance of happy contentment with my chosen path. Today's dance has been the jerky, disjointed, graceless jig of a battered marionette on half-rotten strings. Normally, the irony of the fool in the mirror looking at the fool around her neck would have cheered me. Today, my feet are too sore from the dance to find much humor. I hope tomorrow restores the joy to the dance.