Lucidity

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


The haze of medicine is finally lifting, and today, I almost felt like myself. There is still a hint of oddness around the edges, and my endurance is low in the heat, but I guess I must have finally turned a corner. Hallelujah! I don't think I could have taken much more of it.

I've spent most of today preparing syllabi and other documents for the upcoming year. I have gone all out and made a syllabus for my AP class much like one I'd have given my IEP students at Indiana or my Aidai students in Japan. I love the fact that I can return to that very frank style of instruction where I don't have to pull punches (much).

I had been craving salmon for no readily apparent reason, so I went out and bought some. It was my first attempt at cooking it, but I think it came out okay. I made a guestimation marinade and there was enough of everything to give Mom and Dad some for their dinner, too. It was nice.

While I was at the store, I saw a copy of the new Harry Potter, and I splurged. I really don't buy hardbacks that much. In fact, I think the only books I buy in hardback are reference or HP. I know lots of people scorn the entire series, but it's so creative and every book has been getting better and better. I am really looking forward to stealing some time in the next few days to rip through it. People can laugh all they like, but I find it entertaining. After all, isn't that the point of reading? Actually, I may get up on a soapbox about the purpose of reading one evening in the near future, but tonight, I'm kind of wiped out.

One last note, and then off to bed. I can't stop thinking about this one guy that I met recently. Last night when the meds and the moonlight coming through my window were keeping me up (I never sleep well on the nights of the full moon...no, I don't know why), all I could think about was him. It's driving me crazy. I try to be very stern with myself and realistic. It was not a situation that had any possibility of going anywhere. So why can't I just fold it up and put it away? I have to. There's no other option.

It's so hard for me to know what to think about the whole thing. My instincts about guys are notoriously off. I think there might have been another choice once, but when that moment of choice came, I chose to run like hell. Now, I'll never know. Somebody told me recently that it was better to take the chance than to never know. I have never been comfortable taking that risk. I can recite the cliches against it....the worst they can say is no...you never know until you try...but when I thought there might be the slightest chance that the wonderful sweet guy might have been interested, I folded my tents and slipped away.

I'll probably never see him again. All that's left is the debate within me as to whether or not what I did was a wise protection against pain or an unnecessary sacrifice to the gods of insecurity. I wish with all my heart that there was another chance, some other moment of decision, but the kick of it is that those moments don't come twice. "You pays your money, and you takes your choice...."

I'll be teaching my kids "Carpe Diem" as a theme this year. I believe it to the roots of my being...in every area except for anything that risks my heart. I wish that once, just once, I could put aside my fear of being hurt, and step over the side of that proverbial castle wall (see previous posting) and find out if the harness was going to hold me or not.

This got a lot longer than I planned, but I'm going to leave it as it stands. Maybe if I can keep exploring the truth of this, I can find a way to work through it.