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Okay.  Almost a day I've been looking at my last post, trying to be all philosophical about it, trying to take it in, harmonize my soul to it, accept it, "zen" it, if you will, resonate as one with it. I get what he's saying. The process is the important thing, not the end product.  We should focus on the steps that we take and not the destination since, really, none of us despite well-laid plans, can be certain of where that final place may be.

Screw that.

If what we are doing is not important, why do anything at all?  My soul screams at that.  If all I am doing is stacking greased BBs in a corner all day long, why not seek something more meaningful?  And if the message is supposed to be that nothing anywhere is meaningful at all then I reject that wholesale.  I would have to sit right down in the floor and do nothing the rest of my life if I believed that no action we did had any purpose to it at all, that all our actions were empty.  One might as well go out in the street and shoot his fellow man through the head as seek a cure for the disease that was taking his life if this was true.  What would be the difference?  What we choose to do helps to define us.  So does what we choose to leave alone.

Oh, and I'm coming to this quote at the end of such a bad, bad week, and I'm so full of sadness and so many things that make me tired and willing to believe that maybe, just maybe all our efforts are ashes and dust and handfuls of ourselves thrown into a void that doesn't even know it's sucking it down.  After what's happened lately, I cannot lie and say there is not some part of me that doesn't want to fall in the traces, give up, lay it all down, stop and just say enough because my best isn't good enough, isn't wanted, doesn't matter.  That's a horrible feeling to offer up something you work hard at, value, and have someone be totally apathetic or snide or inattentive.  It happened several times this week, and every time it was like a kick in the face.  The last was the worst.

And maybe what I do is unimportant, after all.  Maybe it doesn't really matter at all to anyone but myself.  Maybe this should be that moment of great self-revelation, the final mask of deception coming off.  I just don't know that I can live with what I see if this quote is the measure of it.