Confusion

Ultimately, I chose silence.  At the time, it seemed the wisest option.  Everyone else seemed to be able to be bright and happy, wise and positive.  As I sat there, I could not be.  I could not think of a single diplomatic thing to say.  Everything I thought of to say would have only been inflammatory, would only have raised tempers, made things worse.  I put my finger over my lips, folded my hands, and reached for my patience.  I did not want to be the cause of things getting worse.  Don't let that be laid on me.  Don't let me be a hindrance if I can't be a help.

And yet now, I wonder if that silence was somehow a betrayal.  Was it the right thing to do?  I thought so at the time.  Everything seems to be okay now, but is it?  I just don't know.  I did get to talk about my concerns privately afterward, so I did have a chance to voice some of what I did not say publicly in another way.  I may also continue that conversation.

I am so tired.  So tired and so confused.  I don't have anything left for this anymore.  I want to do what is right for everyone and make sure everyone has what they need, but my cup is empty.  I am useless.