No Escape

The oddest thoughts have been floating through my mind today.  Yesterday's glorious weather was gone today, and the greyness kept me indoors.  Maybe that's why my thoughts wandered down such odd paths.  In no certain order, things I could not escape from today were:

• Missing certain people -- Quite a lot, in some cases.  One of the things I miss about college life is sort of having people underfoot all the time.  I look back on that life now and all the talking, all the random conjunctions of people and the time together that we took so for granted, and I wish there was more of it in my life now.  It's a luxury too little had in my current existence.
• Dreading the oncoming drama -- I would give almost anything not to have to be a part of it.  It's going to be a crapstorm of almost epic proportions, and if I thought it would actually resolve the issue at hand, I would go into it with a different feeling.  I am coming to the pessimistic notion, however, that nothing will ever resolve the issue, that we will all perish with the firm grip of the issue wrapped triumphantly around our throats.
• The need for escape routes -- And that involves so many, many things.  I shopped for replacement power adapters on amazon.  I threw in a couple of interesting pieces of packing gear.  I looked at vintage cameras on Etsy and imagined all the trips their owners might have lovingly taken them on.  I put a new type of camera bag for my own beloved Nikon in my amazon cart for the first of next month, perhaps, as a way to prepare it for the trips I will be taking it on soon.  I looked at pictures of "places i wish i were" on Tumblr.  I prayed to God that I can have my wings before my soul is crushed down to the point that it can't get up again ever.
• That "long shadow" that is dogging me -- And that I won't be much more clear about here but that it comes after me when it's still and quiet lately to remind me of time running out and my perfect and complete failure and inadequacy.  

Grey days are the worst, really.  When the weather is good, the sky takes all the worries and swirls them away, the sun burns them and shows them to be a "thing of nothing."   When everything is dark, though, I don't have anyone here to help me fight those shadows.  I'm doing the best I can, telling myself that what I perceive as a monster is probably only a coat on the back of a chair or some such that I'm scaring myself with.  Maybe tomorrow will be sunny again, and everything will be back in perspective.