Sisyphus Days

No quote. Too tired/lazy to look it up. Also too tired for complete sentences. Grammatical nightmare.

Okay, enough of that. I was having a really crappy day today. I won't go into huge details, but I didn't feel well. I was having one of my disconnected days. I hate that.

The kids were also whiny today. Some of them are about to drive me crazy about grading. I do at least a double set of papers/cards every day, and by the time I get that done, I am completely burned out. Tomorrow, I have to get them off my back. It's time they figured some things out, such as, they'll get the stinking essays when they get the stinking essays.

I got this really nice email in the afternoon, though, from a friend. It had a short funny story in it, and that moment of connection to another adult, to a friend who knows the real me and not the me I have to be in front of the kids, made all the difference.

That difference between who I really am and who I have to be in the classroom weighs on me. I can be more of my real self with the AP kids, but there won't ever be a time that I can take down all the masks and illusions. It's nice to touch base with my friends and feel like I am an entity outside of the classroom.

The wonderful lady who ran our AP seminar this summer talked about that. I didn't realize how MUCH I would feel this way, though. I've taught challenging courses before, but this one feels like a giant stone pressing down on me. I feel like all I do is grade papers. I am at school long after everyone else has gone home to family and relaxation, and I am still always behind. I feel like Sisyphus and that damn rock.

More and more this year, I long for somebody to lean on. There's a U2 song that I increasingly identify with, "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own". I am in that place right now. I need somebody who will help hold me up, make me eat real food, and be sure that I come home before all the weirdos start hanging around our school. Until that time, I'll have to keep pushing the rock up the hill and focusing on the tiny sweet bits that come my way.