I was talking with a friend yesterday, and something that I thought was dead and buried clawed its way to the surface with all the tenacity of any zombie in any B-grade horror movie you've ever seen. It was a nasty comment (or so I thought at the time) that somebody made last year about someone dear to me. I shot it down fairly ruthlessly at the time, convinced it could not be true.
Don't you just hate it when you stand for someone and then you have to feel like a fool later? That's happened to me twice lately....
Cazzo.
I very clearly remember the conversation I had with that person where they told me this particular thing wasn't true. Well, to be fair, what they said was, they "didn't know where that came from." Subtly elusive wording? That, apparently, didn't make it not-real. There are no words to unspeak our actions. It's not a question of this one said/that one said now. It's a question of a cat being so far out of that bag that we'll never see it again.
Here's the thing. The original situation? That would have bothered me, probably, it's true. It wouldn't, however, have been even anything like the first time I'd seen that. Would I have been disappointed? Yes, some. I can't help it. I don't like watching people I care for do stupid things. It happens. It makes me sad, makes me worry. I get over it, though. Does it compare with knowing that I've been lied to? A thousand times no.
I don't know what to do now. My first and strongest instinct is flight. If ever I wanted wings, that time is now. I'm sorting it out in my head the best I can. This is coming right on the heels of the other, and so I'm more sensitive to it, perhaps, than I would have been at any other time.
I wish I didn't know. I wish there was nothing to know. My other friend did me no favors. Neither of them has, the one who told me the truth or the one who lied to start with.
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And then you said.....