Well, Okay Then....FML

(Not A Happy Post So Run Away Now)

Why does it so often seem that my best efforts aren't enough?  Why does it seem like I can get in the trenches, push until I have nothing left, lay down the blood sacrifice to the last drop of heartsblood, and still something more is required?  What do I do when all I have is not going to fill the gap or make it right?  What is the answer when all that I am, when it is all laid out, is just so pitifully inadequate to the task at hand?

In my mind I know I can't fix everything, but when I commit to something, say, "This is mine, this I will do," and it goes down under my feet with my hands on the wheel, it makes something inside me die.  And maybe for a time, I can keep rekindling that thing that is injured, resuscitate it, get up off the floor and go back into the battle, wipe the blood out of my eyes with the back of my hand and pick up my sword again.  But if it gets hit again and again, well....

That's the place I am right now. My wings are crushed and there is no flying away from this. I'm sitting here in this mire of mud and failure, of blood and shit and brokenness.  I want to get up.  I am telling myself to pick up my sword and get back into the fight, but I feel every cut, every wound right now.   And I don't feel like I am doing one damn bit of good in this struggle, anyway.  Maybe I never knew what I was doing in the first place. Maybe I need to just quit altogether.