Didn't I, My Dear

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?

~"Little Lion Man" - Mumford & Sons

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I'm afraid that I've hurt some people I care about, and I don't know how to undo it.  I think I took something the wrong way yesterday and made a major assumption about something that may not be true at all.  I have not been able to be good or kind, sweet or gentle in the past few days.  Yesterday was bad.  Very.   And when I am bad, I make all the devils in hell look like amateurs.....

Regardless of what the original intention of the other person was, what came out of me next should not have.  And today was just as bad.  I could not put it all aside. I should have. I needed to.  I wanted to, badly.  I was going to.  But then, suddenly, when the moment came, everything inside me somehow froze up, and I couldn't.  The smile that was needed to crack the ice wouldn't come.  The one gesture that would have made it all good had to be made at the right time, and today, just right now, there is something inside me so bruised and bloody and tired.  It could not get up and do the right thing.  It simply lay there with hopeless eyes and powerless limbs as the chance to fix the situation died.

And I'm so sorry for it.  I'm sure it bothers me much more than it bothers anybody else involved in the situation... 

I'm sure tomorrow is another day and all that, but I'm growing afraid of tomorrows.  They are not always better.  I am not always better.  Sometimes, I am so much worse.  Sometimes, I don't like who I am at all in my tomorrows....