Misunderstanding

Apparently one of my classes thinks I got mad at them yesterday.  I was very sick yesterday, and I know I wasn't at my best.  Possibly (okay, likely) my patience wasn't good.  When I have an active migraine, I have one of two things going on.  I am either screaming in the floor wishing I were dead or I am fighting the effects of medicine and the stupidity going on inside my head to pretend that I am a "real girl" like everyone else and not whatever simulacrum somebody cobbled together and turned out to fend for itself instead.  Yesterday was sort of horrible.  I spent the time between every class leaning against the comforting cool support of the red brick wall outside my classroom praying for support to get through the next class period.  I ran my fingertips over and over the mortar lines behind me, and I remember thinking how comforting it was that the building was strong, stable, and old since I felt like I was going to come rattling apart into a million pieces at any moment.

I have very fuzzy memories of most of my classes yesterday.  It's likely that my words were sharper than usual.  When I feel as bad as I did yesterday, when I'm struggling to stay upright and functional, I don't have a lot left to put on a mask of sugar over the top.   My emotions come more readily to the surface.  I don't remember saying anything that could have been taken as outright anger, though.  I did warn each class when they came in that I had a migraine and that I wasn't doing well so they were going to have to bear with me.  Apparently, whatever happened in this one wasn't covered by that disclaimer.

It bothers me.  A lot.

They're precious, I love them, and that they think I was angry is distressing.  I don't get angry with my students easily.  Upset, yes, sometimes.  Irritated, frequently.  Both of those are different from anger. They're fleeting, like a rain squall.  If they had ever really seen me truly angry, they would know the difference immediately.  God, I pray they never, ever see me angry.  There are darknesses inside me that never need to be revealed.....

We talked about it a little today after somebody said something about me being mad.  I explained, but they still have a bit of that spanked-puppy look, and now I feel terrible.  This is happening too much this year.  I haven't ever had this problem before.  They are so exceptionally sensitive to every nuance of every word and gesture, maybe more than any class I've ever had before.  I am trying very hard to make sure there is no miscommunication between us, but I am notoriously non-demonstrative with my emotions at all times (ask any guy I've ever done the relationship dance with) making me prone to react to people I like most the least (don't ask.  it's screwed up and I know it.  you see that I am still single, don't you?) and as a teacher worried about being accused of playing any kind of favorite which makes the problem worse.

I don't want them to think I treat any of them any differently than any of the rest of them.  I'd like us to come in, have class, respect each other, get along, and all go out feeling good at the end.  I just don't understand how all these wires keep getting crossed.  I guess I will just keep working to soothe ruffled feathers and be more clear.  I can't really change who I am personality-wise.  I am who I am. (no Popeye jokes please)  To try to be other than that is a falsehood, and I'm not doing that to myself for any reason.