Shake, Rattle, and Roll

Things are moving along, but periodically, I have the oddest feeling.  Have you ever dropped something and not had it shatter, but had instead a small piece break off somewhere inside?  Every time it moves or tilts, that little piece will rattle around, ricochet off the internal workings, skitter and tumble.

I feel that sometimes.

I'm still feeling the effects of last year.  There are still little rills, little jittery fragments of the horror of it fluttering around at odd moments inside me, and I have to wrap my fingers around the edges of my speaker's stand and take a deep quiet breath and remind myself that this is a new year.  That it's going to be okay.  That, by and large, the gates of hell have creaked closed with me on the good side of them.

When are the cracks going to heal?  Am I ever going to feel like myself again?  Is that person gone for good?  I don't relate to anything the way I used to, not my job, not my friends or family, not the things I enjoy, nothing.  It's unsettling.

I've never been in this place before.  I'm just feeling my way out of the darkness that swallowed me during the summer and the insanity that was last school year.  Maybe it's like a scar that's forming.  I don't know what it says that I find that image a little comforting.  Scar tissue is strong to protect the area of injury from further damage.  It may not be pretty, but at least it has that extra layer of strength. 

I hope that all of this is leading me to a place where I am not shaky anymore, where, if I'm not what I used to be, perhaps then I can be something better.  I look forward to the day I can stand up and feel all the cracks mended and everything sound once again.