Things in Myself of Which I Am Not Sure I Approve

Another list....

• I'm missing talking to somebody who doesn't miss me at all.  I think I hate that in myself.  If I'm a triviality to them, I need to make them less to me somehow.  I hate it when I'm sitting there, and that person comes to my mind, and I think, "Oh, I should tell ________ this..."  Then the reality kicks in.  It makes me feel small and somehow less when I suppose I should say, "I'm fabulous, and if they can't see it, screw them."  For some reason, I don't ever say that....  But also, I don't tell them the thing.  I at least manage not to be that person, I suppose.  Maybe that's something.
• The eternal second-guessing of motive.  I don't take anything straight.  I am always looking for the hidden context.  I think somebody could walk up, hand me a piece of cheese, and say, "This is a piece of cheese," and walk away, and I would, twenty or thirty minutes later, still be digging for exactly what it was they meant.  Okay, that situation would be exceedingly odd and maybe I SHOULD be trying to figure out what the hell just happened there to make somebody walk up and shove cheese at me, but you see what I mean.  I think this is an English major thing.  I don't know that other types of people are constantly scanning for hidden things all the time, thinking, "Okay, you said this, but really, you meant....."
• I smile to hide emotions that have nothing to do with happiness.  A small polite smile is my default expression.  I noticed this the other day, and I did a sharp internal double-take.  When did that Japanese Noh-mask get stuck on MY face?  That was unexpected....  When I don't want to tell you I think you're being an ass....little Noh smile.  Whenever you hurt me with your insensitivity and I can't bring myself to tell you....little Noh smile.   Whenever I need a minute to myself and I can't get it....little Noh smile.  Whenever I have decided that I'm not going to argue that point with you because there's no POINT to arguing...well, you know.  Did I learn that in Japan?  Because it is an exceptionally Japanese thing.  I don't remember myself before that time.  Maybe I've always done it and just not known.

I guess these three will be my work-on it list for the present.  Only...I don't know what to do about some of it.  I suspect I will continue to miss that person.  I am not sure how you stop that.  I will try to stop being so suspicious and second-guessing.  The little smile?  Well, it worked for Mona Lisa, and it stops a lot of fights and hurt feelings, so is it really a bad thing?  I'm just going to smile here, and let you draw your own conclusions about it.....