Remembering How Much You DO Have

...and letting the rest go.

Yesterday, somebody looked right through me.  As in, no recognition.  As in, just another stranger standing there instead of somebody I talk to fairly often, somebody I had thought was my friend.

I don't know why it happened.  I just looked up, and quite unexpectedly there it was.  It caught me off-guard so badly that I just stood there, and then it was over.  There was no time to talk.  It ate at me.  And it took me back to places I didn't need to go.

That's the kind of shit D. used to do.  I'd be good enough for all kinds of things...until I suddenly wasn't.  I was a friend when I could do something for him, when he wanted somebody who would listen to him, when there wasn't somebody more interesting around or when he'd pissed all the others off, when he felt like it was my rotation in the harem for the glorious gift of his attention.  It was never really me he wanted.  It was only some reflection of himself. I don't feel like playing those games ever again with anybody on any level for any reason.

It's alright.  It hurt, but it's alright.  God knows, I've been kicked down the fucking stairs before.  It's not new.  It was just from a direction I was not anticipating.  Whatever.

One good thing did come from it.  It made me think about what I do have, people who will never do that to me, and how blessed I am with them. It's humbling.  So to all of you who routinely have a roll in putting your hands on this fractured surface and holding me together despite all odds, thank you.  I love you.  I don't say that enough, probably.

I need to just let the rest of it drop away.  If it's a lost cause, if I've been that wrong this long, then I need to just forget it.  I'm not going to keep holding onto a razor-sharp blade just to watch it cut deeper into my hand.  That stopped being my idea of fun a long time ago.