Eye-Opener

Last night for my Comp class, I had assigned Deborah Tannen's article "Sex, Lies, and Conversation" from a writing book we're using.  I had skimmed the article prior to assigning it, and I am familiar with Tannen generally from my Masters work in Linguistics, but when I really sat down and read the article in depth to prepare it for discussion, a couple of things occurred to me.  One, I have misunderstood most of my male friends since, oh, say time began and probably vice-versa, and two, certain relationships from my past have taken on very different meaning.

If you have never read this article, I challenge you to click the link and do so.  My class, men and women alike, found it interesting.  It's not a "guy bashing" article or anything like that.  It's linguistic pragmatics, a field I have always found fascinating.  Some of the things in here I had noticed previously.  As in all fields, once you're trained in them, you sort of can't cut the "researcher" or observer lens for that area off.  There were a couple of bits in there that made me smile and nod.

A few parts of it caught me flat-footed, though.  The bit about back-channeling, for instance, when you say, "Um-hum," "Yeah," or some other noise to indicate agreement, harmony, and understanding.  "I know what you mean.  Keep going."  Women do that a great deal more than men according to Tannen, and it causes pragmalinguistic misunderstandings.  I have seen it happen again and again, but I really didn't realize why.  After reading this article, I want to sort of slap myself in the forehead and say, "Duh."

I find the idea of having to talk to men as if they belong to a foreign culture just a little amusing, but perhaps that is not a bad way to approach it.  We are not the same.  Watch a group of men and a group of women together surreptitiously if you don't believe it.  The communication style is different.  I don't think the emotions underneath are significantly different, but the way those are expressed in our culture is.  If we could recognize the way that each gender is trying to give what the other desires and honor that, if both sides could bend and flex just a little, what amazing rapport could be established.  Maybe this should be required reading for us all.