Right Between the Eyes

Did you ever have one of those moments where you'd been holding on to something, and suddenly you realize with absolute certainty, "Yeah.  I'm going to have to let that go now"?  A moment of ultimate disambiguation?

I just had one of those.

It hit me like a ten-pound sledge right between the eyes.  Well, probably somewhat lower than that, more to the middle of my chest, actually, but the simile holds....

It's funny how fixated we can become of a concept, a belief that things will eventually go a certain way, our way, in the end.  Call it the "feel-good movie" syndrome, the "fairy tale ending" syndrome.  Call it whatever you like, but the simple truth of the matter is that the simple truth of the matter is all too frequently ignored for our own stubborn persistence that it is going to be something it is just not eventually.  If we wait long enough.  If we want deeply enough.

Silly, isn't it?

It's okay to be awakened from this, too.  I mean, okay, it hurts like hell.  I can't lie about it, but better the pain of that than the pain of continually stumbling through the fog of the myth, the lie, that we weave for ourselves, I think.  Better the sharp, quick pain from which we can then heal than the slow self-deception from which we never will.

So now it's time to box up all the bits and pieces that are left, make sure there aren't any little shards left in the corners that the broom missed, and toss it all away.  I'm fairly positive that things are going to feel odd for a couple of days.  When something like this happens and something you've held dear dies, maybe that's okay, too.  Maybe that's not a bad thing.  Maybe what you're actually feeling is the world returning to your soul like oxygen to your lungs when you've been almost on the verge of drowning.

I'm going to consider it all to be for the good.  At this point, there's no reason to do otherwise.  What's done is gone.  What's to come lies ahead.  They tell me that looking back will get you only bad things, grief, sadness, regret, transformation into a pillar of salt, even.  I guess I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, then, and see what's over the next hill.