When Everybody Else Notices, Too....

Last night, I was at Mom and Dad's after a long day having dinner with them, and they asked me how I was doing.  I stopped and thought about it.  Usually after a day as long as I'd had, I'd be exhausted.  I'd be barely awake, dragging myself along trying to make it home so I could collapse.  

I wasn't, though.  I felt good.  I had energy.  I was (for me) chatty.  That is more or less what I relayed to them.    Their response was that they had noticed.  They seemed....relieved.  Apparently the changes in me lately are significant enough to be marked by others, and that made me pause.

I knew the 200 mg dosage of the Topamax had profoundly affected me internally.  I was constantly tired, always fighting to get through what I call the "glass wall" between me and the universe.  I had no energy and my couch was my friend.  What  I didn't realize was that I was doing so bad a job of winning.  I haven't been myself, not for awhile.  I only feel like I'm starting to come back to myself now.  I just thought more of it was internal than it was.

This also makes me wonder again what it will be like to be totally free of this stuff.  I long for the day when it's not in my life at all.  How deep are its roots into me?  What other changes has it made?  I have been on it so long now that I (quite literally with its help) no longer remember what I was like before.  That's more than a little scary, but sort of exciting, too.  I mean, I wasn't exactly an axe murderer before, right?  I hope the changes that continue to be revealed as I step down the dosage keep being good ones.